Broke with bad grades and a boyfriend.

Well, a lot has happened this week.

I got my second test grade back from Astronomy...the one that I wasn't prepared for because I didn't know it was that day. I got a 48...out of 100. I was shocked. I knew I didn't do too well, but a 48!? My first test grade was a 91! Gah. So I ashamedly walked up to my Prof last class and asked about extra credit. He said "Yeah, I was surprised by how you did on this test. I thought it was a completely different person that took it because of how well you're doing otherwise..." But he said he would figure out some extra credit, so that makes me quite relieved. It's go time at this point concerning my GPA, so I need to do well on this class and on the ones I'm taking in the fall. I need at least a 3.0 to transfer into FSU, and I've got like a 2.85 or something. :/ Anyway, I'm also excited because I recommended to my Prof a camping trip to the National Forest where we have star gazing..make it like an optional field trip thing. He really liked it, so I hope we get it planned. I've really been wanting to go camping. :)

I got my car fixed, but it cost about $1600! My dad's income is based on commision and he hasn't sold many machines this month and his truck just needed $700 repairs. Originally he was going to cover half of my car repairs (which we thought was only going to be $1000), but he can only do $500. So I have to pay $1100 of it, which is practically most of my savings. I'll have a few hundred not used after paying for the repairs. It's really depressing because it's taken me a while to save up this money (which is meant for traveling and school). But it's strange because I SHOULD feel a lot more depressed about losing all that money, but I'm not. I wish I didn't have to get rid of it, but I've pretty much accepted it as a fact of life...things need to be paid for...and we just have to deal with it.

AND...

I have a boyfriend! Yes...it happened over this week. His name is Nathan and he's wonderful. He makes me laugh, I'm always smiling around him, he treats me all special, and he's so handsome. I feel so lucky. The past guys I've dated were all guys that weren't anything special, but with Nathan I actually feel like I don't deserve him. He seems like the kind of guy that would never want to date me (because he's so cute and i'm just regular)...but he really wants me. I keep finding myself asking him if he's sure he wants me as his girlfriend...but each time he says "Yes" and that he won't change his mind. I don't know...this is weird because it's unlike any of my previous relationships. All I know is that I'm happy with him, although a part of me is just waiting for the moment when he changes his mind. It's so hard to trust without doubts...

According to Galileo...

"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them."

quote

Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.
- Mahatma Gandhi

burning tears

So my half brother got his girlfriend, Christine, pregnant a while back. And now they're not together. Well, she had contacted me letting me know that if I wanted to stay in contact with the baby (my nephew) then that'd be fine with her. Well, we kept talking and I asked her to lunch, which we went to on Saturday. Well, my dad has been up the wall about this pregnancy because my half brother, Michael, is totally irresponsible and not ready for a kid.

Well, I want to stay in contact with Christine so that I can know the baby. It's a little weird since Michael and I have some strange history. But still, I don't know why, but I want to keep up with the baby. It's part of our blood...even if Michael has nothing to do with it (which is likely).

But today I got an email from Christine saying how Michael found out about us going to lunch and blah blah...a bunch of mean things that Michael said and how he wants nothing to do with us anymore. Well, I go and ask dad if he had told Michael about me going to lunch. And Dad gets extremely defensive thinking I was accusing him of things. He starts yelling at me saying how I shouldn't have anything to do with Christine because she's a lying, manipulative, irresponsible girl. He said how I shouldn't make her my "compassion project" and that I shouldn't get mixed up in the drama between her and Michael. He said how he doesn't even like Michael because of the things he has done and wants nothing to do with him (michael is dad's son).

I tell dad to stop talking once he's said all these things because I don't want to hear it. He keeps yelling about how he's so stressed about work and family and other shit and that he "doesn't need this"...I try to leave the kitchen and he won't let me becaues he's blocking the entrance. So I walk outside to the picnic table to calm myself. He says as I'm walking out how he'll go in my room right now and pull the computer plug (he makes such a big deal about how I am making all these bad decisions through online communication and such). I go outside, enraged. I literally wanted to grab the big kitchen knife, hold it up to him, and threaten to kill him unless he stopped yelling at me.

But I just go sit outside. When I come back in, i go straight to my room (dad is now yelling at mom)...a few minutes later, they come and want to talk to me. so I go out. Dad pretty much keeps saying the same things. How Christine is so bad because of blah blah...when really, he gets all his information about her from Michael! I told dad its wrong to assume things about people without really knowing the truth. He ignored me. He then starts yelling some more about how its all fucked up...then he says I shouldn't be talking to Christine to get back at Michael. (history with Michael is that he sexually abused me and never apologized and pretty much got away with it because his mom brushed it all off). So here dad is, saying how I'm only talking to Christine to get back at Michael for that. And i turn to look at dad and say through my teeth how I am NOT doing that. And i get up and leave the room. I hear mom say to dad how cruel that was.

And i simply go in my room, start sobbing....then, while still crying, get the boxes from the hallway and start packing my things.

Both mom and dad always say that they don't "make" me do anything. But I only feel this full of anger and hatred when they provoke me. While dad was yelling I thought of that bible verse about "fathers don't provoke your children to wrath"...and I just hated dad. He's so disappointed about how I've gone against my "good christian girl" ways..but here he's such a hypocrit! I try SO hard not to hate him...but...I'm there. I have such strong rage against him (and my mom) for the things that they do and say. I CAN'T live here. I know I already said that...but my destruction will come if I don't get out of here.

My car being in the shop til tuesday, I don't know what to do. The repairs for it will be around $1000, and I have about $1500 in savings. I'm just...at a loss. I feel so defeated already. I'm not even sure if I have a place to live...But I will live out of my fucking car if I have to because I am pushed to the very limit. I don't want to feel suicidal, and I always do after my parents get in my face about shit. I don't want to feel anger and hurt and sad and stuck...but I DO here. So I HAVE to get out. I HAVE TO.

And if I end up having to quit school because I can't afford it...then I guess so be it. If I have to work my ass off to save more money just to LIVE, then so be it. If I have to cut off all attachments to mom and dad, then so be it. I have to do what is best for me...even if the process hurts and is hard as fuck... I need to be able to live.

I miss my artistic days...

Negative and positive space project. First focus on the black and the shape it gives, then reverse your focus on the white. Is it some black object stretching outward? Are they leaves? Or is it the shape of a heart in two pieces being stabbed?

Only black paint on white poster board. Supposed to be simple and harsh.




A project where I had to pick a piece of music, then create something that depicted the music using all the artistic methods I learned about: colour, texture, line, etc.

I used black silk material for the backing, painted with blue-green-purple colours for the swirls and then cut them out and glued them seperately onto the silk. I used blue, green, and white beads and various sized mirrors as well.

Silk = smooth, dark mood of the music
Swirls = mellifluous, flowing rhythm
Beads and mirrors = droplets of tinkling piano keys







A quick sketch of my self portrait in pencil. (I'm no good at faces. It looks nothing like me.)













A "line" project. Lower left of paper is geometric shapes, i.e. rectangles, triangles, straight lines... The upper right of paper shows the opposite: curves and swirls and smooth lines. A kind of night/day of lines.

I used pencil, black pen ink, and a small and large sharpie on poster board.

Somewhere...over the rainbow...

So I got in my car to go to Astronomy class and my car starts squeeling and then smoking... I'm tired of shitty cars. Fortunately, I could use my mom's van to go to class. I was late and ran into a classmate that was leaving since she was sick; she asks if I'm ready for the test. "That's tonight?" I ask...Yes, yes it was. I wasn't prepared; I thought it was next Monday. I got test anxiety and started shaking while I took it and feeling sick to my stomach. I most like bombed it, but oh well. I got thru it.

After the Lab that I had finished before everyone else, I went up to the Prof and said how I wanted to be an astronomer. He said he wasn't surprised, that he had a sort of 6th sense about it and that I seem perfect for astronomy. "Really?" I said. He replied "Yes, I can tell from how you interact in class, the questions you ask. You'd be a good astronomer." That made my day. Even if I don't go into that field, I considered it a compliment.

Now, as for my car, dad said it was the belt. Whatever that means. All I know is that I'm now dependant on my parents for rides/their cars, which is no good. I'll have to ride with my dad tomorrow to get to work, and don't know how I'll get home...

And about moving out... I plan to sort through and pack some things up first (maybe have a garage sale to get some earnings from my junk), talk to my grandma, and get my mom to buy me some clothes (don't know if she would after I move out, so I'm pretty much taking advantage of her and her money, but I'll be dirt poor once I'm out of here...so all in all, I think it's a smart move on my part)...and then I'll tell my parents that I'm moving out. This will most likely happen within this next week.

My first aquarium visit yielded Wonder.

"At the Aquarium"

by Max Eastman

Serene the silver fishes glide,

Stern-lipped, and pale, and wonder-eyed!

As through the aged deeps of ocean,

They glide with wan and wavy motion.

They have no pathway where they go,

They flow like water to and fro,

They watch with never-winking eyes,

They watch with staring, cold surprise,

The level people in the air,

The people peering, peering there:

Who wander also to and fro,

And know not why or where they go,

Yet have a wonder in their eyes,

Sometimes a pale and cold surprise.

Yay.

Well, I must say...I've never been so happy to get my period.

I got a funny visualization of my egg using a dual action machine gun to shoot down all the sperm soldiers coming to attack it. She kills the last one, wipes the sweat off her brow and says under her breath, "Safe...for now."

Haha...

"Almond Blossom" by Vincent van Gogh

If one is master of one thing and understands one thing well, one has at the same time, insight into and understanding of many things.

- Vincent van Gogh

What next?

So, my timeline is a little off because...well...I'M a little off. But this week has been one of the worst. I know I talked of starting over and everything, but things here at home have reached an all-time low. I'm sure I'm missing bits and pieces of information because my brain isn't quite functioning properly, but Monday night I was online and in the middle of a whole bunch of things. All of the sudden, I lose connection because of McAfee security system. Mom had, over the weekend while I was out of town, installed it on my computer (along with virus protection). She had let me know over a voicemail message AFTER she had installed it all. Even though I told her not to go in my room, and not to go on my computer.

When this happened, I got completely pissed. It was right about 1:00am. I went into her room and even though the lights were off and she was in bed, I said "Mom" loudly...she didn't respond. I knew she must have been ignoring me because she's a very light sleeper. So I turn on the bathroom light and THEN she "wakes up" and gets mad. I don't remember exactly what I said, but pretty much ask her why there's a security thing and demand for the password (since only the administrator can access it, and SHE'S the administrator). She acts all innocent and says "not tonight...tomorrow...and besides it's only set to not go online until 5am anyway..you don't need to be going online this late..." And really, THIS IS MY LIFE, YES? SHE DOESN'T CONTROL IT. THIS IS BEYOND OVERSTEPPING THE BOUNDARIES. So I DEMAND for the password again and she YELLS "NO!"

So I leave the room and as I'm storming out, all I want to do is throw things and break things and just BE VIOLENT. But no. I don't. I go to my room and SOB. After trying to hack my way into the computer different ways and not being successful, I sob some more. At that point, I have a growing hatred for my mom. I always told myself that I would never EVER hate anyone...and I still tell myself that I don't. But she is so close...all she would need to do is hit me or something.

So anyway, I'm so full of anger and distrust (and this is along with other things that happened with a friend)...so I walk into the kitchen where the medicine cabinet is...mom had cleared it out for tuperware. So i go into the bathroom searching for meds and find david's and my prescriptions along with some tylenol and whatnot. I took some of everything. I was crying while I did it, too. I SO wanted to die. I took my razor too and slit my wrist several times (I've done that before, so it wasn't a big deal...I wasn't trying to use that to kill myself...just for the pain part of it)

And I get tingles now even thinking about it, because the whole thing didn't work. It never works. I'm destined to live for some fucking reason. And yeah, I could go grab a knife and stab my heart but I'm just not that brave. So here I am stuck. Fucking stuck. Can't kill myself.

And what's worse is that the next day I was all sick feeling. I stayed in bed all day (the 4th of July) which I didn't really mind...I didn't want to be with the family anyway. And last night when I went to bed, I felt REALLY weird. I laid down and closed my eyes and my head would just pound and throb, and then when I opened my eyes it was like a jolt. Then if I closed my eyes again, my head would start throbbing again..and if felt like the room was closing in on me and that someone was creeping up on me. It was really strange. I couldn't sleep because I had to keep opening my eyes and keep moving so that my head would stop pounding.

THEN, this morning I had my first day of work at 9:00. I woke up feeling kind of queesy, but I tried to shake it off and ate a piece of toast and then went to work. Well, I got there and only after 30 minutes I started feeling really nauseous and I got really sweaty. My boss even noticed that I started dripping huge drops of sweat. So I couldn't even finish my work day. I had to call mom to come pick me up. When i got home I went straight to bed and slept for 6 hours...I missed my counseling appointment which will cost $50 and missed the first hour of my class...but I went late anyway because I didn't want it to affect my grade.

*sigh* I feel so stressed just writing about all this shit. I need to call my grandpa and ask if I can move in to his florida house...I hope he says yes. I need to pack up all my stuff. And even if I can't find someone to live with...I can just ask different relatives if I can stay a week or two with them...I have enough of those people to last a month or two. And then I can maybe live out of my car if I need to. But I CANNOT live here anymore. There's no way.

What's more: mom thinks because I've been nauseous that I might be pregnant. She has no idea that it's because I tried to kill myself. Watch life throw me a curve ball and I AM pregnant...Wouldn't that be great....A homeless, suicidal, pregnant girl.

I got the job.

[my name],
Thanks so much for emailing the hours to me. That is exactly the kind of initiative I am looking for. I am pleased to let you know that the job is yours.
I am excited about you being a part of our company and look forward to working with you.
........
Again, I'd like to welcome you and congratulations.
I am confident that you will be an invaluable asset to our company.
Thanks
Maritza [last name]

Well, of course, I can't work monday because I'm gonna be out of town...but I start work this week! :)

I'm excited.

The job interview went really well. It's between me and another girl my age for the job, but Maritza (the woman who interviewed me and my possible boss) pretty much said that I am the better candidate. So I will know by Monday if I got the job. It's great because it'll give me experience, it's $10/hour, flexible schedule, and I can get bonuses ($25 cash for each bonus).

I just need to find a place to live now and also settle the when and where of my Fall classes.

This weekend looks to be fun. Tomorrow I go swimming with the girls, then go to the beach for my star gazing thru telescopes, then Mary and I go to a club/bar for a concert and other fun things til 2am, THEN drive up to Kingsland. After that I'm driving to Valdosta to hang with the other girls of mine for a few days, then coming home for July 4th. It should be a lot of fun...