burning tears

So my half brother got his girlfriend, Christine, pregnant a while back. And now they're not together. Well, she had contacted me letting me know that if I wanted to stay in contact with the baby (my nephew) then that'd be fine with her. Well, we kept talking and I asked her to lunch, which we went to on Saturday. Well, my dad has been up the wall about this pregnancy because my half brother, Michael, is totally irresponsible and not ready for a kid.

Well, I want to stay in contact with Christine so that I can know the baby. It's a little weird since Michael and I have some strange history. But still, I don't know why, but I want to keep up with the baby. It's part of our blood...even if Michael has nothing to do with it (which is likely).

But today I got an email from Christine saying how Michael found out about us going to lunch and blah blah...a bunch of mean things that Michael said and how he wants nothing to do with us anymore. Well, I go and ask dad if he had told Michael about me going to lunch. And Dad gets extremely defensive thinking I was accusing him of things. He starts yelling at me saying how I shouldn't have anything to do with Christine because she's a lying, manipulative, irresponsible girl. He said how I shouldn't make her my "compassion project" and that I shouldn't get mixed up in the drama between her and Michael. He said how he doesn't even like Michael because of the things he has done and wants nothing to do with him (michael is dad's son).

I tell dad to stop talking once he's said all these things because I don't want to hear it. He keeps yelling about how he's so stressed about work and family and other shit and that he "doesn't need this"...I try to leave the kitchen and he won't let me becaues he's blocking the entrance. So I walk outside to the picnic table to calm myself. He says as I'm walking out how he'll go in my room right now and pull the computer plug (he makes such a big deal about how I am making all these bad decisions through online communication and such). I go outside, enraged. I literally wanted to grab the big kitchen knife, hold it up to him, and threaten to kill him unless he stopped yelling at me.

But I just go sit outside. When I come back in, i go straight to my room (dad is now yelling at mom)...a few minutes later, they come and want to talk to me. so I go out. Dad pretty much keeps saying the same things. How Christine is so bad because of blah blah...when really, he gets all his information about her from Michael! I told dad its wrong to assume things about people without really knowing the truth. He ignored me. He then starts yelling some more about how its all fucked up...then he says I shouldn't be talking to Christine to get back at Michael. (history with Michael is that he sexually abused me and never apologized and pretty much got away with it because his mom brushed it all off). So here dad is, saying how I'm only talking to Christine to get back at Michael for that. And i turn to look at dad and say through my teeth how I am NOT doing that. And i get up and leave the room. I hear mom say to dad how cruel that was.

And i simply go in my room, start sobbing....then, while still crying, get the boxes from the hallway and start packing my things.

Both mom and dad always say that they don't "make" me do anything. But I only feel this full of anger and hatred when they provoke me. While dad was yelling I thought of that bible verse about "fathers don't provoke your children to wrath"...and I just hated dad. He's so disappointed about how I've gone against my "good christian girl" ways..but here he's such a hypocrit! I try SO hard not to hate him...but...I'm there. I have such strong rage against him (and my mom) for the things that they do and say. I CAN'T live here. I know I already said that...but my destruction will come if I don't get out of here.

My car being in the shop til tuesday, I don't know what to do. The repairs for it will be around $1000, and I have about $1500 in savings. I'm just...at a loss. I feel so defeated already. I'm not even sure if I have a place to live...But I will live out of my fucking car if I have to because I am pushed to the very limit. I don't want to feel suicidal, and I always do after my parents get in my face about shit. I don't want to feel anger and hurt and sad and stuck...but I DO here. So I HAVE to get out. I HAVE TO.

And if I end up having to quit school because I can't afford it...then I guess so be it. If I have to work my ass off to save more money just to LIVE, then so be it. If I have to cut off all attachments to mom and dad, then so be it. I have to do what is best for me...even if the process hurts and is hard as fuck... I need to be able to live.