Wednesday, November 29, 2006
It seems my emotions and thoughts are just like Florida weather: unpredictable. The other day, I went to school with misting rain that grew to downpour, two hours later the sun was shining brilliantly and the sky was baby blue, two more hours and I leave the confides of shelter to see that thick fog has creeped into the day. I walked to my car and saw the vast parking lot; the grey smokey fog nearly kissing the like-coloured cement. It was an eerie sort of feeling driving down the highway. On one side of the road was sunshine, and on the other side was fog. I was caught in the middle. Such contrasting conditions, right beside eachother. Will it rain; will it shine? Frigid cold or humid warmth? Unpredictability, however confusing and jumbled it may be at times, seems to simply be the way it is. The way it is. You can live in Florida your whole life and still be surprised by the weather patterns. Who knows what I'll feel or think today...
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Heart-Shaped Reflection Nebula
Just weeks after NASA astronauts repaired the Hubble Space Telescope in December 1999, the Hubble Heritage Project snapped this picture of NGC 1999, a reflection nebula in the constellation Orion.
Like fog around a street lamp, a reflection nebula shines only because the light from an embedded source illuminates its dust; the nebula does not emit any visible light of its own. The nebula is famous in astronomical history because the first Herbig-Haro object was discovered immediately adjacent to it (it lies just outside the new Hubble image). Herbig-Haro objects are now known to be jets of gas ejected from very young stars.
The nebula is illuminated by a bright, recently formed star, visible just to the left of center. This star is cataloged as V380 Orionis, and its white color is due to its high surface temperature of about 10,000 degrees Celsius, nearly twice that of our own sun. Its mass is estimated to be 3.5 times that of the sun. The star is so young that it is still surrounded by a cloud of material left over from its formation, here seen as the NGC 1999 reflection nebula.
NGC 1999 shows a remarkable jet-black cloud near its center, located just to the right and lower right of the bright star. This dark cloud is an example of a "Bok globule," named after the late University of Arizona astronomer Bart Bok. The globule is a cold cloud of gas, molecules and cosmic dust, which is so dense it blocks all of the light behind it. The globule is seen silhouetted against the reflection nebula illuminated by V380 Orionis. Astronomers believe that new stars may be forming inside Bok globules, through the contraction of the dust and molecular gas under their own gravity.
Image credit: NASA and The Hubble Heritage Team (STScI)
I want to sleep on a big cotton ball...
The past two days have been CRAZY for me.
MONDAY
I woke up feeling all crappy and sick, like I've been for the past 2 weeks. I had yoga in my first class, which was stressful on my knee but also relaxing. I read my poem in my Creative Writing class, and it went well. Statistics was the dreaded one. I had about 45 minutes prior to study for the test we had. I had felt comfortable with just about everything we had covered, but I was still VERY VERY nervous about the test because even if I feel I know the material, I always get test anxiety (and then usually do badly or worse than desired).
So anyway, I go in to take the test and I'm feeling really good about everything. I remembered all the steps and formulae to use, and there was only one problem I was unsure about. But after asking a question to the Prof, I knew the answer. So I turn it in, feeling crazy and sick as well. I ask if the Prof. will grade it then because I felt I got everything correct. So he said sit down and he would. A few minutes later he whispers my name. I walk up. "Looks like a 98." He smiled. I beamed and said "REALLY?!" and he answered "Yes." I was like "Thats good" and he laughed and said "That's VERY good." I think he was proud of me. I've done horribly the last two tests and fortunately he's letting me retake one. But he's known how hard I've worked, so I think he really was proud. Which makes me happy.
I couldn't believe I made a 98. That's 2 points away from 100, which is perfect. And here I am the recipient of dad's comments about "failures are unacceptable in this family". So - fuck him! He doesn't know yet since he's been gone.. But anyway, the whole way to my car I was beaming and almost started to cry because it's SUCH a huge deal to me. I mean, I'm the girl that hopes for a 70 to simply pass. But I got a 98...a 98!!! It made me feel SO good. I immediately called Jake to let him know. :)
TUESDAY
I woke up exhausted and sickish (AGAIN) because I couldn't sleep at all last night. I woke up earlier than usual because I was suppposed to take Daniel to tutoring, but he ended up faking sick and getting out of it. So I woke up early for nothing. Then I had work at 10am. I felt tired the first couple hours, but got a little energized (from a huge cappucino my boss bought me) as the day went on.
Today was my "call day", where I follow-up on the faxes/letters I sent to golf courses, and then see if they are interested in having my company dive their water hazards to retrieve balls. It's mutually beneficial and all that, so I'm not an annoying solicitor type (just to clarify). So usually "call day" is stressful because I have to talk to people, which isn't SO bad but a lot of people can be extremely rude.
I got a lot of work done (surprising even to myself). And at the end of the day I was getting ready to leave. My boss called and informed me that the payroll thingamajigger messed up this week and he needed to pay me in cash (which means no taxes taken out. woot.), so he asked if I would stay a few minutes late. I, of course, agreed. Well, it was a good thing I did stay late because one of the courses I had faxed called me back, interested in having us dive for them. And seeing as how I get a bonus $25 for each "test dive" I set up, I got some extra money. Yay.
Then I went to class and traffic was much more worse than usual, but I was still in a pretty good mood. Had class and it was alright, but through half of it, I started feeling extremely sick. My head started pounding everywhere, my ears were throbbing, and my jaw was starting to hurt too (weird).
I thought I was going to pass out as I left class. On the way home, I started shaking. It felt as if I was having a drug withdrawl or something. It was really scary because I was afraid I would crash on the interstate.
I got home and no one was there, and I had thought everyone left to go pick David up at the airport without me, and then the dogs were being super loud, and it turns out mom had been in my room and moved a bunch of stuff around when she used the computer and left the door open, which allowed to dogs to come in and eat the crotch out of two of my favourite lounge pants.
So. I started sobbing. I really cried. And there really wasn't a GOOD reason, but I just burst. I think it was all that mixed in with the fact that I've really been missing Jake. I know I can't REALLY miss someone that I haven't BEEN with, but I have missed him anyway. So shut up to any judgers.
Mom gave me TWO of her migraine pills that have narcotics in them, but they never worked at all. So that concerned me a bit. I laid on my bed, crying, while she was busy preparing the house for David...and I just felt sad. I wanted her to take care of me. I'm not usually one to use someone as a slave. For example, when I got my wisdom teeth out and I was in tons of pain, and dizzy and drowsy, and such..I still tried to serve myself (wasn't such a good idea because I almost fell a couple times. ha).
But anyway, I felt like SHIT tonight and I just wanted someone to..not so much pamper me...but just be there and feel my pain and stroke my hair. That's all. I was sad because no one did... Although I must say, my dog came up onto the bed and it was kind of creepy because it truly seemed like he was trying to comfort me. He put one paw on me and just sat there...it was nice. I felt bad for yelling at him earlier about barking so loud. :p
Anyway... David's home and the house is louder due to his presence. But it's nice to have him here. When I saw him at the airport, we hugged and he actually kissed my head. Mom had said to me privately how he was really looking forward to seeing me..which was weird...but made me feel good. He gave me two Ultracet for my head, and it seems to be working just a little bit...unless its simply me writing that's helping.
So I sit here listening to Cat Stevens, and I think it's time to sleep. I've been up for far too long, and I'm super excited to not have classes tomorrow or work this week (I get paid for my usual friday hours this week and don't even have to work since we'll be closed! Another happiness factor) ...I have 5 days of absolute freedom and hopefully some bliss.
Let's rub Buddha's belly so I get better and can try to enjoy Thanksgiving. I know I have a lot to be thankful for...
MONDAY
I woke up feeling all crappy and sick, like I've been for the past 2 weeks. I had yoga in my first class, which was stressful on my knee but also relaxing. I read my poem in my Creative Writing class, and it went well. Statistics was the dreaded one. I had about 45 minutes prior to study for the test we had. I had felt comfortable with just about everything we had covered, but I was still VERY VERY nervous about the test because even if I feel I know the material, I always get test anxiety (and then usually do badly or worse than desired).
So anyway, I go in to take the test and I'm feeling really good about everything. I remembered all the steps and formulae to use, and there was only one problem I was unsure about. But after asking a question to the Prof, I knew the answer. So I turn it in, feeling crazy and sick as well. I ask if the Prof. will grade it then because I felt I got everything correct. So he said sit down and he would. A few minutes later he whispers my name. I walk up. "Looks like a 98." He smiled. I beamed and said "REALLY?!" and he answered "Yes." I was like "Thats good" and he laughed and said "That's VERY good." I think he was proud of me. I've done horribly the last two tests and fortunately he's letting me retake one. But he's known how hard I've worked, so I think he really was proud. Which makes me happy.
I couldn't believe I made a 98. That's 2 points away from 100, which is perfect. And here I am the recipient of dad's comments about "failures are unacceptable in this family". So - fuck him! He doesn't know yet since he's been gone.. But anyway, the whole way to my car I was beaming and almost started to cry because it's SUCH a huge deal to me. I mean, I'm the girl that hopes for a 70 to simply pass. But I got a 98...a 98!!! It made me feel SO good. I immediately called Jake to let him know. :)
TUESDAY
I woke up exhausted and sickish (AGAIN) because I couldn't sleep at all last night. I woke up earlier than usual because I was suppposed to take Daniel to tutoring, but he ended up faking sick and getting out of it. So I woke up early for nothing. Then I had work at 10am. I felt tired the first couple hours, but got a little energized (from a huge cappucino my boss bought me) as the day went on.
Today was my "call day", where I follow-up on the faxes/letters I sent to golf courses, and then see if they are interested in having my company dive their water hazards to retrieve balls. It's mutually beneficial and all that, so I'm not an annoying solicitor type (just to clarify). So usually "call day" is stressful because I have to talk to people, which isn't SO bad but a lot of people can be extremely rude.
I got a lot of work done (surprising even to myself). And at the end of the day I was getting ready to leave. My boss called and informed me that the payroll thingamajigger messed up this week and he needed to pay me in cash (which means no taxes taken out. woot.), so he asked if I would stay a few minutes late. I, of course, agreed. Well, it was a good thing I did stay late because one of the courses I had faxed called me back, interested in having us dive for them. And seeing as how I get a bonus $25 for each "test dive" I set up, I got some extra money. Yay.
Then I went to class and traffic was much more worse than usual, but I was still in a pretty good mood. Had class and it was alright, but through half of it, I started feeling extremely sick. My head started pounding everywhere, my ears were throbbing, and my jaw was starting to hurt too (weird).
I thought I was going to pass out as I left class. On the way home, I started shaking. It felt as if I was having a drug withdrawl or something. It was really scary because I was afraid I would crash on the interstate.
I got home and no one was there, and I had thought everyone left to go pick David up at the airport without me, and then the dogs were being super loud, and it turns out mom had been in my room and moved a bunch of stuff around when she used the computer and left the door open, which allowed to dogs to come in and eat the crotch out of two of my favourite lounge pants.
So. I started sobbing. I really cried. And there really wasn't a GOOD reason, but I just burst. I think it was all that mixed in with the fact that I've really been missing Jake. I know I can't REALLY miss someone that I haven't BEEN with, but I have missed him anyway. So shut up to any judgers.
Mom gave me TWO of her migraine pills that have narcotics in them, but they never worked at all. So that concerned me a bit. I laid on my bed, crying, while she was busy preparing the house for David...and I just felt sad. I wanted her to take care of me. I'm not usually one to use someone as a slave. For example, when I got my wisdom teeth out and I was in tons of pain, and dizzy and drowsy, and such..I still tried to serve myself (wasn't such a good idea because I almost fell a couple times. ha).
But anyway, I felt like SHIT tonight and I just wanted someone to..not so much pamper me...but just be there and feel my pain and stroke my hair. That's all. I was sad because no one did... Although I must say, my dog came up onto the bed and it was kind of creepy because it truly seemed like he was trying to comfort me. He put one paw on me and just sat there...it was nice. I felt bad for yelling at him earlier about barking so loud. :p
Anyway... David's home and the house is louder due to his presence. But it's nice to have him here. When I saw him at the airport, we hugged and he actually kissed my head. Mom had said to me privately how he was really looking forward to seeing me..which was weird...but made me feel good. He gave me two Ultracet for my head, and it seems to be working just a little bit...unless its simply me writing that's helping.
So I sit here listening to Cat Stevens, and I think it's time to sleep. I've been up for far too long, and I'm super excited to not have classes tomorrow or work this week (I get paid for my usual friday hours this week and don't even have to work since we'll be closed! Another happiness factor) ...I have 5 days of absolute freedom and hopefully some bliss.
Let's rub Buddha's belly so I get better and can try to enjoy Thanksgiving. I know I have a lot to be thankful for...
Sunday, November 19, 2006
A dream.
I had a dream a few nights ago that I wanted to record. It's got a lot of blurs, but I'll try.
Jake came to visit me. He walked into my house with a bunch of luggage in his arms, but instead of being excited and hugging eachother, we both stood there awkwardly - partly due to his hands being full, partly due to having first met eachother. He was to stay at my house, which is a bit odd seeing as how he'd never be able to because I still live with my family. He was going to stay in David's room since he's gone to school.
(Time lapses)
All the sudden, I'm in my bedroom, and I've only got on a T-shirt and panties. On my bed is Mike (Kelsey's little sister's boyfriend. Weird, I know). He is laying on my bed naked, playing with himself. When he sees me, he pulls me to him and says many crude things to me (I can't remember exactly what he said). Then he tries to pull me on top of him and wants me to basically have sex with him. I resist. He keeps trying and he's forcing my head down to his crotch at this point. I start yelling.
Meanwhile, during all of this, my family is in the other room talking and Jake is in there talking with them. After I started screaming, I see him come in the room. He grabs Mike and lifts him off the floor and pins him to the wall. Then he takes him outside where supposedly he kicked his ass (I never saw it, but it was understood).
My family seems to disappear, and I'm the only one in the house now. I stay in my room, which is now empty except for a chair in the corner. I lay down on a blanket that's on the wooden floor and curl up in a ball. Jake comes in and asks if I'm okay. I don't respond. He sits in the chair. And slowly keeps scooting the chair up to me. I am very afraid, even of him. When he gets right next to me, he slides out of the chair and lays beside me, putting his hand on my waist.
Once he touches me, I calm down. And we just lay there.
Jake came to visit me. He walked into my house with a bunch of luggage in his arms, but instead of being excited and hugging eachother, we both stood there awkwardly - partly due to his hands being full, partly due to having first met eachother. He was to stay at my house, which is a bit odd seeing as how he'd never be able to because I still live with my family. He was going to stay in David's room since he's gone to school.
(Time lapses)
All the sudden, I'm in my bedroom, and I've only got on a T-shirt and panties. On my bed is Mike (Kelsey's little sister's boyfriend. Weird, I know). He is laying on my bed naked, playing with himself. When he sees me, he pulls me to him and says many crude things to me (I can't remember exactly what he said). Then he tries to pull me on top of him and wants me to basically have sex with him. I resist. He keeps trying and he's forcing my head down to his crotch at this point. I start yelling.
Meanwhile, during all of this, my family is in the other room talking and Jake is in there talking with them. After I started screaming, I see him come in the room. He grabs Mike and lifts him off the floor and pins him to the wall. Then he takes him outside where supposedly he kicked his ass (I never saw it, but it was understood).
My family seems to disappear, and I'm the only one in the house now. I stay in my room, which is now empty except for a chair in the corner. I lay down on a blanket that's on the wooden floor and curl up in a ball. Jake comes in and asks if I'm okay. I don't respond. He sits in the chair. And slowly keeps scooting the chair up to me. I am very afraid, even of him. When he gets right next to me, he slides out of the chair and lays beside me, putting his hand on my waist.
Once he touches me, I calm down. And we just lay there.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Babies and such
I have two nephews now. One is really my half nephew, born in August. And the other isn't blood but he counts anyway, and he was born on Saturday. AND, Naomi is pregnant too...so I'll be having another little baby around in the next 6 or so months.
All this baby stuff makes me all melancholy. I really want a baby of my own, or so I think. It scares the hell out of me, and I KNOW I could not have one right now. But I think I would actually like being a mommy. If I found the right guy...maybe I could have a family. I don't know. I thought I was set on not marrying and all that, but who knows. I mean, I'm pretty sure I want to finish college and start a career before all that. Maybe it's simply because I'm a woman and have those feelings spurt out because of different circumstances. Psh. Whatever.
I just love babies. I love the idea of having a family and a husband. I think I would be a good wife. Maybe too good. I give too much of myself a lot of the time, which is why sometimes I hold back. When I give too much to someone undeserving, I end up being used. That's why I couldn't marry a man that wouldn't give back to me...otherwise I'd end up being what I don't want to be, I'd end up hurt, and I wouldn't be happy. I guess a big problem is finding that right guy. The majority of guys I've dated or simply known just dont fit the bill.
Anyway, ramble ramble. I'm tired.
All this baby stuff makes me all melancholy. I really want a baby of my own, or so I think. It scares the hell out of me, and I KNOW I could not have one right now. But I think I would actually like being a mommy. If I found the right guy...maybe I could have a family. I don't know. I thought I was set on not marrying and all that, but who knows. I mean, I'm pretty sure I want to finish college and start a career before all that. Maybe it's simply because I'm a woman and have those feelings spurt out because of different circumstances. Psh. Whatever.
I just love babies. I love the idea of having a family and a husband. I think I would be a good wife. Maybe too good. I give too much of myself a lot of the time, which is why sometimes I hold back. When I give too much to someone undeserving, I end up being used. That's why I couldn't marry a man that wouldn't give back to me...otherwise I'd end up being what I don't want to be, I'd end up hurt, and I wouldn't be happy. I guess a big problem is finding that right guy. The majority of guys I've dated or simply known just dont fit the bill.
Anyway, ramble ramble. I'm tired.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Catching up.
Well, I've been avoiding updating this thing because so much has happened. I don't know where to start. But I'll try...
The thing with Nathan ended, then we got back together (stupid on my part) and then we broke up again. He ended up telling me that he's bisexual. I think he wanted me to be turned on by it, when in reality I was just shocked. Especially because we had slept together and he should have told me. At least that's what I think. But he says he's clean. And I was tested for STDs when I had my pap smear last month, so I'm good. He just pisses me off. I am almost positive he is bipolar. One minute he can be adorable and sweet and actually nice to me, but then the next minute he can become snappy, horribly mean, and just a complete asshole. I should know better, but I still talk to him. We're "just friends" for now, whatever that means. I'm sure he wants to be friends with benefits, but I just can't do that. Although in all honesty, I wouldn't surprise myself if I let it become that. He was the only guy I enjoyed sex with. It's pathetic though, no guy has ever made me orgasm. They would ask if a "came" and I'd lie. Why would I lie? I guess I couldn't say no and make them feel bad. Anyway, I don't know what to do about Nathan. We still talk, and he's always referring to his dick...asking me if I miss it. What the hell? I mean, I'm not a vain person and base my opinions of guys only on their cock size. (What's funny is that he just called. How ironic.) Anyway, enough about Nathan and such.
It's kind of sad because my only friends have been guys, but the majority of them have been interested in me. And if I have no other friends besides them, it makes for a boring life. I have no girl friends because they're all out of state or stopped talking to me for whatever reason. And I don't mind having guys for friends; it's nice to get away from the girly girl shit. But I miss being able to confide in someone and do some of the girl things that I like. Plus, I'm horrible at letting a guy down. So all these guys that want to date me, I just go out with. And I try to be honest and let them know that I don't want "more" but most of them don't get it. As of now I've stopped talking to most of them. There's one guy that's super "hott" and is really kinky and I have no idea how to handle him. He wants to be my sex slave and since i'm relatively traditional in that sense, it's hard to talk or be with him. We went out a couple weeks ago and he started making out with me. I was a little shocked. For a cute kinky guy, he sucks at kissing. Seriously. So I'm avoiding him, although slightly flattered he "wants" me. Ha. And then there's the onslaught of myspace men that think i'm beautiful, sexy, or want to fuck me. Delete, delete, delete. There's also Nick. We're friends, but for some reason ever since we've known eachother, we have random sex. At first I thought he wanted me as his girlfriend, but it's been established that neither of us want that. So we're basically friends with benefits. I don't really like it because I'm tired of that and want more. But for now...I dont know. At first I really respected him because he would use a condom, but the last couple times he hasn't. And I STUPIDLY let him. And despite being on birth control, I KNOW I need to make guys use a condom....so what's my problem? Why do I let them not? I don't know... Bah. I swear I'm gonna get pregnant. I just set myself up for it. Goddamn me.
Anyway, I've been sick this past weekend and I think I'm getting better. So I'll cross my fingers and hope that I do.
Anyway, I'm amazed at the length of this. It's growing so long, like that worm game where you eat the apples and the more you eat the longer the worm gets and eventually - it runs into the wall or its own body and dies. Soon this will run into itself and die. Otherwise this will be an entirely too long of a post to read. Which doesn't really matter because only 2 people read this besides myself. (Explains my shocking honesty now, doesn't it?)
Another note: My mother filed for disability several years ago, went to court, etc etc, and she recently found that she's aprooved. So she gets some money for herself and also my little brother. And apparently since she filed for it while I was still a minor, I have some "backed up" money that is for me. And now that I'm an adult, I can apply to receive it. It's quite exciting because it's about $4000. That's a huge number for me.
Tonight dad sat me down and told me how I was to only save it and use it for school. I find it funny that he wants to control something that is entirely mine and mine to do with. He said that he plans on supporting me/helping me financially in school, but that if I don't get my scholarship back and/or get good grades then he won't help me at all. He said that I need to take school serisouly just like my older brother (although he said i don't have to be excellent and make 4.0s like him. Gee thanks dad). Another comparison to my brother. Wonderful. Dad made a big deal about me partying, which is total bullshit. I informed him of the fact that I only go out maybe once a week. But I suppose it worries him because when I do go out it's usually late when I come home, and apparently its worse because I'm with guys. Blah. Whatever. I spent the night at Nick's last week because I was at his house late and didn't want to come home for the following reasons: too late, didn't want to BE home, and also the flooring guys would be there EARLY and making noise so i wanted to be able to actually sleep for once. Plus I like being with Nick. Even if we are "friends with occasional benefits"...it's nice to sleep in his bed with him. He'll hold me, and even if we're not together (and I dont necessarily want to be) it's really nice to be held and next to someone. Anyway, back to dad. He also let me know that he loves me and thats why he talks to me. He said how I should be careful with guys because they all want a piece of ass pretty much until they're 30. I asked if that meant i should not even date? He didn't really know what he was talking about, but I think his point was for me to not have sex. Mom probably told him that I had a (minor) urinary tract infection. I shouldn't even have told her; I know I can't trust her. And really, many things can cause that. But to her it means that I've been doing sexual activities with guys that don't wash their hands. Heh. So...she most likely told dad..hence the CONVERSATION. Yeah, whatever. They should know by now that i dont listen to them at all when it comes to anything personal in my life. No..that's not entirely true...I listen. But since they've lost my trust and respect, it's a little hard to take them seriously when it comes to most things. And..I don't know why but they both seem certain that I'm sexually active. I don't know why. I lied and told them I wasn't. I guess it's "parental intuition". I wish they'd just drop it. It's none of their goddamn business. And if they KNOW it to be true then they would also know that I'm lying to them about it, which would indicate that I DO NOT want them to know, nor do I like talking about it with them. It's all very dumb and frustrating. And concerning sex...I'm thinking of just cutting it off from myself. I don't enjoy it. So why do I do it? I'm becoming a slut for no good reason on my part. I try to psychoanalyze myself and think its due to my wanting to be accepted by a man that goes back to being abused and having a shitty dad, etc etc. But I don't really know. I'm sure there's deep stuff that explains most of what I do. But tonight at least, I don't care to delve into it.
I read all my previous posts and mentally slapped myself because I always seem to complain, and for a while I told myself not to. But in all honesty, I don't really care. I know most people don't like to listen to complainers, and it's a bad habit. But this is my blog. Practically no one reads it, so...to quote the great Kartman "WHATEVA, I'LL DO WHAT I WANT!" :)
Okay the worm has officially run into itself.
The thing with Nathan ended, then we got back together (stupid on my part) and then we broke up again. He ended up telling me that he's bisexual. I think he wanted me to be turned on by it, when in reality I was just shocked. Especially because we had slept together and he should have told me. At least that's what I think. But he says he's clean. And I was tested for STDs when I had my pap smear last month, so I'm good. He just pisses me off. I am almost positive he is bipolar. One minute he can be adorable and sweet and actually nice to me, but then the next minute he can become snappy, horribly mean, and just a complete asshole. I should know better, but I still talk to him. We're "just friends" for now, whatever that means. I'm sure he wants to be friends with benefits, but I just can't do that. Although in all honesty, I wouldn't surprise myself if I let it become that. He was the only guy I enjoyed sex with. It's pathetic though, no guy has ever made me orgasm. They would ask if a "came" and I'd lie. Why would I lie? I guess I couldn't say no and make them feel bad. Anyway, I don't know what to do about Nathan. We still talk, and he's always referring to his dick...asking me if I miss it. What the hell? I mean, I'm not a vain person and base my opinions of guys only on their cock size. (What's funny is that he just called. How ironic.) Anyway, enough about Nathan and such.
It's kind of sad because my only friends have been guys, but the majority of them have been interested in me. And if I have no other friends besides them, it makes for a boring life. I have no girl friends because they're all out of state or stopped talking to me for whatever reason. And I don't mind having guys for friends; it's nice to get away from the girly girl shit. But I miss being able to confide in someone and do some of the girl things that I like. Plus, I'm horrible at letting a guy down. So all these guys that want to date me, I just go out with. And I try to be honest and let them know that I don't want "more" but most of them don't get it. As of now I've stopped talking to most of them. There's one guy that's super "hott" and is really kinky and I have no idea how to handle him. He wants to be my sex slave and since i'm relatively traditional in that sense, it's hard to talk or be with him. We went out a couple weeks ago and he started making out with me. I was a little shocked. For a cute kinky guy, he sucks at kissing. Seriously. So I'm avoiding him, although slightly flattered he "wants" me. Ha. And then there's the onslaught of myspace men that think i'm beautiful, sexy, or want to fuck me. Delete, delete, delete. There's also Nick. We're friends, but for some reason ever since we've known eachother, we have random sex. At first I thought he wanted me as his girlfriend, but it's been established that neither of us want that. So we're basically friends with benefits. I don't really like it because I'm tired of that and want more. But for now...I dont know. At first I really respected him because he would use a condom, but the last couple times he hasn't. And I STUPIDLY let him. And despite being on birth control, I KNOW I need to make guys use a condom....so what's my problem? Why do I let them not? I don't know... Bah. I swear I'm gonna get pregnant. I just set myself up for it. Goddamn me.
Anyway, I've been sick this past weekend and I think I'm getting better. So I'll cross my fingers and hope that I do.
Anyway, I'm amazed at the length of this. It's growing so long, like that worm game where you eat the apples and the more you eat the longer the worm gets and eventually - it runs into the wall or its own body and dies. Soon this will run into itself and die. Otherwise this will be an entirely too long of a post to read. Which doesn't really matter because only 2 people read this besides myself. (Explains my shocking honesty now, doesn't it?)
Another note: My mother filed for disability several years ago, went to court, etc etc, and she recently found that she's aprooved. So she gets some money for herself and also my little brother. And apparently since she filed for it while I was still a minor, I have some "backed up" money that is for me. And now that I'm an adult, I can apply to receive it. It's quite exciting because it's about $4000. That's a huge number for me.
Tonight dad sat me down and told me how I was to only save it and use it for school. I find it funny that he wants to control something that is entirely mine and mine to do with. He said that he plans on supporting me/helping me financially in school, but that if I don't get my scholarship back and/or get good grades then he won't help me at all. He said that I need to take school serisouly just like my older brother (although he said i don't have to be excellent and make 4.0s like him. Gee thanks dad). Another comparison to my brother. Wonderful. Dad made a big deal about me partying, which is total bullshit. I informed him of the fact that I only go out maybe once a week. But I suppose it worries him because when I do go out it's usually late when I come home, and apparently its worse because I'm with guys. Blah. Whatever. I spent the night at Nick's last week because I was at his house late and didn't want to come home for the following reasons: too late, didn't want to BE home, and also the flooring guys would be there EARLY and making noise so i wanted to be able to actually sleep for once. Plus I like being with Nick. Even if we are "friends with occasional benefits"...it's nice to sleep in his bed with him. He'll hold me, and even if we're not together (and I dont necessarily want to be) it's really nice to be held and next to someone. Anyway, back to dad. He also let me know that he loves me and thats why he talks to me. He said how I should be careful with guys because they all want a piece of ass pretty much until they're 30. I asked if that meant i should not even date? He didn't really know what he was talking about, but I think his point was for me to not have sex. Mom probably told him that I had a (minor) urinary tract infection. I shouldn't even have told her; I know I can't trust her. And really, many things can cause that. But to her it means that I've been doing sexual activities with guys that don't wash their hands. Heh. So...she most likely told dad..hence the CONVERSATION. Yeah, whatever. They should know by now that i dont listen to them at all when it comes to anything personal in my life. No..that's not entirely true...I listen. But since they've lost my trust and respect, it's a little hard to take them seriously when it comes to most things. And..I don't know why but they both seem certain that I'm sexually active. I don't know why. I lied and told them I wasn't. I guess it's "parental intuition". I wish they'd just drop it. It's none of their goddamn business. And if they KNOW it to be true then they would also know that I'm lying to them about it, which would indicate that I DO NOT want them to know, nor do I like talking about it with them. It's all very dumb and frustrating. And concerning sex...I'm thinking of just cutting it off from myself. I don't enjoy it. So why do I do it? I'm becoming a slut for no good reason on my part. I try to psychoanalyze myself and think its due to my wanting to be accepted by a man that goes back to being abused and having a shitty dad, etc etc. But I don't really know. I'm sure there's deep stuff that explains most of what I do. But tonight at least, I don't care to delve into it.
I read all my previous posts and mentally slapped myself because I always seem to complain, and for a while I told myself not to. But in all honesty, I don't really care. I know most people don't like to listen to complainers, and it's a bad habit. But this is my blog. Practically no one reads it, so...to quote the great Kartman "WHATEVA, I'LL DO WHAT I WANT!" :)
Okay the worm has officially run into itself.
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