The thing with Nathan ended, then we got back together (stupid on my part) and then we broke up again. He ended up telling me that he's bisexual. I think he wanted me to be turned on by it, when in reality I was just shocked. Especially because we had slept together and he should have told me. At least that's what I think. But he says he's clean. And I was tested for STDs when I had my pap smear last month, so I'm good. He just pisses me off. I am almost positive he is bipolar. One minute he can be adorable and sweet and actually nice to me, but then the next minute he can become snappy, horribly mean, and just a complete asshole. I should know better, but I still talk to him. We're "just friends" for now, whatever that means. I'm sure he wants to be friends with benefits, but I just can't do that. Although in all honesty, I wouldn't surprise myself if I let it become that. He was the only guy I enjoyed sex with. It's pathetic though, no guy has ever made me orgasm. They would ask if a "came" and I'd lie. Why would I lie? I guess I couldn't say no and make them feel bad. Anyway, I don't know what to do about Nathan. We still talk, and he's always referring to his dick...asking me if I miss it. What the hell? I mean, I'm not a vain person and base my opinions of guys only on their cock size. (What's funny is that he just called. How ironic.) Anyway, enough about Nathan and such.
It's kind of sad because my only friends have been guys, but the majority of them have been interested in me. And if I have no other friends besides them, it makes for a boring life. I have no girl friends because they're all out of state or stopped talking to me for whatever reason. And I don't mind having guys for friends; it's nice to get away from the girly girl shit. But I miss being able to confide in someone and do some of the girl things that I like. Plus, I'm horrible at letting a guy down. So all these guys that want to date me, I just go out with. And I try to be honest and let them know that I don't want "more" but most of them don't get it. As of now I've stopped talking to most of them. There's one guy that's super "hott" and is really kinky and I have no idea how to handle him. He wants to be my sex slave and since i'm relatively traditional in that sense, it's hard to talk or be with him. We went out a couple weeks ago and he started making out with me. I was a little shocked. For a cute kinky guy, he sucks at kissing. Seriously. So I'm avoiding him, although slightly flattered he "wants" me. Ha. And then there's the onslaught of myspace men that think i'm beautiful, sexy, or want to fuck me. Delete, delete, delete. There's also Nick. We're friends, but for some reason ever since we've known eachother, we have random sex. At first I thought he wanted me as his girlfriend, but it's been established that neither of us want that. So we're basically friends with benefits. I don't really like it because I'm tired of that and want more. But for now...I dont know. At first I really respected him because he would use a condom, but the last couple times he hasn't. And I STUPIDLY let him. And despite being on birth control, I KNOW I need to make guys use a condom....so what's my problem? Why do I let them not? I don't know... Bah. I swear I'm gonna get pregnant. I just set myself up for it. Goddamn me.
Anyway, I've been sick this past weekend and I think I'm getting better. So I'll cross my fingers and hope that I do.
Anyway, I'm amazed at the length of this. It's growing so long, like that worm game where you eat the apples and the more you eat the longer the worm gets and eventually - it runs into the wall or its own body and dies. Soon this will run into itself and die. Otherwise this will be an entirely too long of a post to read. Which doesn't really matter because only 2 people read this besides myself. (Explains my shocking honesty now, doesn't it?)
Another note: My mother filed for disability several years ago, went to court, etc etc, and she recently found that she's aprooved. So she gets some money for herself and also my little brother. And apparently since she filed for it while I was still a minor, I have some "backed up" money that is for me. And now that I'm an adult, I can apply to receive it. It's quite exciting because it's about $4000. That's a huge number for me.
Tonight dad sat me down and told me how I was to only save it and use it for school. I find it funny that he wants to control something that is entirely mine and mine to do with. He said that he plans on supporting me/helping me financially in school, but that if I don't get my scholarship back and/or get good grades then he won't help me at all. He said that I need to take school serisouly just like my older brother (although he said i don't have to be excellent and make 4.0s like him. Gee thanks dad). Another comparison to my brother. Wonderful. Dad made a big deal about me partying, which is total bullshit. I informed him of the fact that I only go out maybe once a week. But I suppose it worries him because when I do go out it's usually late when I come home, and apparently its worse because I'm with guys. Blah. Whatever. I spent the night at Nick's last week because I was at his house late and didn't want to come home for the following reasons: too late, didn't want to BE home, and also the flooring guys would be there EARLY and making noise so i wanted to be able to actually sleep for once. Plus I like being with Nick. Even if we are "friends with occasional benefits"...it's nice to sleep in his bed with him. He'll hold me, and even if we're not together (and I dont necessarily want to be) it's really nice to be held and next to someone. Anyway, back to dad. He also let me know that he loves me and thats why he talks to me. He said how I should be careful with guys because they all want a piece of ass pretty much until they're 30. I asked if that meant i should not even date? He didn't really know what he was talking about, but I think his point was for me to not have sex. Mom probably told him that I had a (minor) urinary tract infection. I shouldn't even have told her; I know I can't trust her. And really, many things can cause that. But to her it means that I've been doing sexual activities with guys that don't wash their hands. Heh. So...she most likely told dad..hence the CONVERSATION. Yeah, whatever. They should know by now that i dont listen to them at all when it comes to anything personal in my life. No..that's not entirely true...I listen. But since they've lost my trust and respect, it's a little hard to take them seriously when it comes to most things. And..I don't know why but they both seem certain that I'm sexually active. I don't know why. I lied and told them I wasn't. I guess it's "parental intuition". I wish they'd just drop it. It's none of their goddamn business. And if they KNOW it to be true then they would also know that I'm lying to them about it, which would indicate that I DO NOT want them to know, nor do I like talking about it with them. It's all very dumb and frustrating. And concerning sex...I'm thinking of just cutting it off from myself. I don't enjoy it. So why do I do it? I'm becoming a slut for no good reason on my part. I try to psychoanalyze myself and think its due to my wanting to be accepted by a man that goes back to being abused and having a shitty dad, etc etc. But I don't really know. I'm sure there's deep stuff that explains most of what I do. But tonight at least, I don't care to delve into it.
I read all my previous posts and mentally slapped myself because I always seem to complain, and for a while I told myself not to. But in all honesty, I don't really care. I know most people don't like to listen to complainers, and it's a bad habit. But this is my blog. Practically no one reads it, so...to quote the great Kartman "WHATEVA, I'LL DO WHAT I WANT!" :)
Okay the worm has officially run into itself.
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