Quotes...

You are now in control of your life. You see, the ego is never in control. The ego is controlled by wishes for comfort and convenience on the part of the body, by demands of the mind, and by outbursts of the emotions. But the higher nature controls the body and the mind and the emotions. I can say to my body, "Lie down there on that cement floor and go to sleep," and it obeys. I can say to my mind, "Shut out everything else and concentrate on this job before you," and it's obedient. I can say to my emotions, "Be still, even in the face of this terrible situation," and they are still. It's a different way of living. The philosopher Thoreau wrote: If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps he hears a different drummer. And now you are following a different drummer--the higher nature instead of the lower. - Peace Pilgrim

To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom. - Bertrand Russell

What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything? - Vincent van Gogh

Everything you can imagine is real. - Pablo Picasso

There are moments when one feels free from one's own identification with human limitations and inadequacies. At such moments one imagines that one stands on some spot of a small planet, gazing in amazement at the cold yet profoundly moving beauty of the eternal, the unfathomable; life and death flow into one, and there is neither evolution nor destiny; only Being. - Albert Einstein

They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel. - Carl W. Buechner

If you do something good, enjoy it, repeat it, and allow it to become a way of life. (Bad Conduct, v118)

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all. - Oscar Wilde

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough. - Frank Crane

Why do writers write? Because it isn't there. - Thomas Berger

Tonight.

I'm feeling very depressed tonight.

I try to be happy and smile, but it feels like just an act.

My head has been aching for 2 hours, and my knee is hurting.

How come nobody calls me up to see how I'm doing? How come nobody randomly tells me something nice? How come nobody seems to see how badly I feel?

I don't like being a compliment-fisher, or attention-seeker. But sometimes I feel like no one notices me. And I wish they did.

I feed off of other people's energy, and when I don't get that I start falling down. I don't like being a dependant, but that's simply how I am. I need people to stay up.

My boyfriend treats me like I'm least important in his life, he hardly initiates any affection anymore, and he's half the time moody and mean and the other half the time he's sweet and funny.

My mother sat me down tonight to show me how much they've paid for me and my things and to tell me what I owe them, as well as what they expect of me since they pay for so much.

I realized just how much things change. People move on and leave you behind. People act fake so much. And all I want is someone REAL. I want someone to be real with me and to love me. I want to find stable ground where I am happy. I want to be rid of depression and hopelessness. I want to freely be me and to be loved as I am.

I try to make these things happen for me, as if I have the control to make it so. But I think that's impossible. I think that no matter what there is always sadness, heartache, and bad things. And I can try and move on despite those things, but they're always there.

Perhaps I'll never get what I want.

Perhaps I'll never be loved in the truest form.

Perhaps I'll always find myself coming to the point of despair.

I'm grumpy and hurting

I couldn't sleep last night; I was hot and my back was hurting again. I must have fallen asleep at some point, however, because when I woke up I was in complete pain. I've had some back pain for about a week now, and I started my monthly cycle last night which adds lower back aches and stomach cramps to the equation, as well as my knee hurting and having a headache. It is no good.

I had to get up around 10am to go to the restroom, with the intent on going back to bed afterwards. But Daniel needed a ride to church, so i grab my keys and sleepily drive him there. Apparently mom couldn't take him because after she showered this morning, she got an extreme shoot of pain up her spine and she fell down, immobile. By the time I was up, she had managed to get into her bed to just lay there. My dad was asleep on the couch and my other brother was asleep in his bedroom.

I take Daniel to church in my pjs and barefoot, on the way home mom calls me to say how she needs me to help her today. I had plans with g-ma today to do her laundry and bake some bread with her, but seeing as how mom needed me and I had my own pain to deal with...it couldn't happen.

So now it's near 1pm, and it turns out it doesn't really matter if I'M in pain. Dad stays on the couch wanting coffee and food and whatnot. I don't mind helping mom and stuff, but I'm in more pain than they realize. I've cried several times due to my hurting. And I have things to do. I need to go shopping for Nathan's birthday gift and blah blah. I just want to lay down and rest.