Tonight.

I'm feeling very depressed tonight.

I try to be happy and smile, but it feels like just an act.

My head has been aching for 2 hours, and my knee is hurting.

How come nobody calls me up to see how I'm doing? How come nobody randomly tells me something nice? How come nobody seems to see how badly I feel?

I don't like being a compliment-fisher, or attention-seeker. But sometimes I feel like no one notices me. And I wish they did.

I feed off of other people's energy, and when I don't get that I start falling down. I don't like being a dependant, but that's simply how I am. I need people to stay up.

My boyfriend treats me like I'm least important in his life, he hardly initiates any affection anymore, and he's half the time moody and mean and the other half the time he's sweet and funny.

My mother sat me down tonight to show me how much they've paid for me and my things and to tell me what I owe them, as well as what they expect of me since they pay for so much.

I realized just how much things change. People move on and leave you behind. People act fake so much. And all I want is someone REAL. I want someone to be real with me and to love me. I want to find stable ground where I am happy. I want to be rid of depression and hopelessness. I want to freely be me and to be loved as I am.

I try to make these things happen for me, as if I have the control to make it so. But I think that's impossible. I think that no matter what there is always sadness, heartache, and bad things. And I can try and move on despite those things, but they're always there.

Perhaps I'll never get what I want.

Perhaps I'll never be loved in the truest form.

Perhaps I'll always find myself coming to the point of despair.