What next?

So, my timeline is a little off because...well...I'M a little off. But this week has been one of the worst. I know I talked of starting over and everything, but things here at home have reached an all-time low. I'm sure I'm missing bits and pieces of information because my brain isn't quite functioning properly, but Monday night I was online and in the middle of a whole bunch of things. All of the sudden, I lose connection because of McAfee security system. Mom had, over the weekend while I was out of town, installed it on my computer (along with virus protection). She had let me know over a voicemail message AFTER she had installed it all. Even though I told her not to go in my room, and not to go on my computer.

When this happened, I got completely pissed. It was right about 1:00am. I went into her room and even though the lights were off and she was in bed, I said "Mom" loudly...she didn't respond. I knew she must have been ignoring me because she's a very light sleeper. So I turn on the bathroom light and THEN she "wakes up" and gets mad. I don't remember exactly what I said, but pretty much ask her why there's a security thing and demand for the password (since only the administrator can access it, and SHE'S the administrator). She acts all innocent and says "not tonight...tomorrow...and besides it's only set to not go online until 5am anyway..you don't need to be going online this late..." And really, THIS IS MY LIFE, YES? SHE DOESN'T CONTROL IT. THIS IS BEYOND OVERSTEPPING THE BOUNDARIES. So I DEMAND for the password again and she YELLS "NO!"

So I leave the room and as I'm storming out, all I want to do is throw things and break things and just BE VIOLENT. But no. I don't. I go to my room and SOB. After trying to hack my way into the computer different ways and not being successful, I sob some more. At that point, I have a growing hatred for my mom. I always told myself that I would never EVER hate anyone...and I still tell myself that I don't. But she is so close...all she would need to do is hit me or something.

So anyway, I'm so full of anger and distrust (and this is along with other things that happened with a friend)...so I walk into the kitchen where the medicine cabinet is...mom had cleared it out for tuperware. So i go into the bathroom searching for meds and find david's and my prescriptions along with some tylenol and whatnot. I took some of everything. I was crying while I did it, too. I SO wanted to die. I took my razor too and slit my wrist several times (I've done that before, so it wasn't a big deal...I wasn't trying to use that to kill myself...just for the pain part of it)

And I get tingles now even thinking about it, because the whole thing didn't work. It never works. I'm destined to live for some fucking reason. And yeah, I could go grab a knife and stab my heart but I'm just not that brave. So here I am stuck. Fucking stuck. Can't kill myself.

And what's worse is that the next day I was all sick feeling. I stayed in bed all day (the 4th of July) which I didn't really mind...I didn't want to be with the family anyway. And last night when I went to bed, I felt REALLY weird. I laid down and closed my eyes and my head would just pound and throb, and then when I opened my eyes it was like a jolt. Then if I closed my eyes again, my head would start throbbing again..and if felt like the room was closing in on me and that someone was creeping up on me. It was really strange. I couldn't sleep because I had to keep opening my eyes and keep moving so that my head would stop pounding.

THEN, this morning I had my first day of work at 9:00. I woke up feeling kind of queesy, but I tried to shake it off and ate a piece of toast and then went to work. Well, I got there and only after 30 minutes I started feeling really nauseous and I got really sweaty. My boss even noticed that I started dripping huge drops of sweat. So I couldn't even finish my work day. I had to call mom to come pick me up. When i got home I went straight to bed and slept for 6 hours...I missed my counseling appointment which will cost $50 and missed the first hour of my class...but I went late anyway because I didn't want it to affect my grade.

*sigh* I feel so stressed just writing about all this shit. I need to call my grandpa and ask if I can move in to his florida house...I hope he says yes. I need to pack up all my stuff. And even if I can't find someone to live with...I can just ask different relatives if I can stay a week or two with them...I have enough of those people to last a month or two. And then I can maybe live out of my car if I need to. But I CANNOT live here anymore. There's no way.

What's more: mom thinks because I've been nauseous that I might be pregnant. She has no idea that it's because I tried to kill myself. Watch life throw me a curve ball and I AM pregnant...Wouldn't that be great....A homeless, suicidal, pregnant girl.