Breasts/Body Image

I have always been self conscious about my body, as do most people (especially females). I'm sure it has to do with a variety of things: family and friends influences by making comments, how media portrays the ideal image in magazines, movies, television, etc., a personal mental block and unacceptance of my own body, etc etc.

I recently decided to look up "normal breasts" online. I've seen the many "perfect" boobs in movies and on pornographic sites, and I always felt that mine were so ugly in comparison. I always wondered why mine were the way they are. I felt that I was cursed with the not-so-ideal body.

After conducting my search, I found an interesting site that truly opened my eyes to things. It's a fairly simple site that is not glamorous or completely grammar-perfect. But the information is PRICELESS. It talks of how media portrays the ideal image of breasts and that that's all we see growing up, so it's only natural that we would compare ourselves with media images. It talks of how the breast's natural purpose is to feed babies and shouldn't be primarily a source of sexual stimulation. It talks of how the main reason that boobs are such a huge turn on for men is due to the fact that we are so sheltered from normal breasts. We grow up as children being taught that we shouldn't look at boobs and we rarely see them. We grow up and see them more because we have movies and internet. But the problem is that when searching online for boobs, you will mainly find pornographic material. And we all know how very fake and unreal these people are. So we gain an unrealistic view of how bodies should look (as well as how sex should be).

So anyway, I learned a lot from this site (007b.com), and have been on my own personal journey of accepting myself. I'm slowly accepting my breasts/body as it is (although it's a long and hard process).

I also was recently invited to a book club/discussion group that focuses on women's issues. We'll read essays and books that involve woman positive stuff as well as discuss other topics such as feminism. I'm excited about it and really hope that it kicks off soon.

It's been a while...

Nine months, to be precise.

I'm sure it would take too long to update on all activities from the last 9 months; however, not much has happened anyway.


So, Jacob moved out here in the middle of January. He hopped around to different hotels/extended stays until he finally found a little apartment in San Marco (which has been flooding a lot lately due to these crazy storms).

I don't know... Things have been great with us. There have been several arguments and over dramatic nights, but we've been getting closer and learning to love each other despite some annoying features.

Jake had problems with money since the beginning because he tends to overspend or just spend on unnecessary items, and it's been kind of a continual problem up until recently. But he's working it out. So that's good.

Things with me... I chose not to attend school this semester because I wanted a break. And it's been so nice. But I haven't been working either, so my money has been dwindling. But I'm planning on attending UNF in the Spring, my major being English and possibly a minor in Studio Art (I'd like to write stories and possibly illustrate them). And I just interviewed with Scholarship Experts yesterday, and that seemed to go well. So hopefully I'll get a job soon.

Not sure what else to say.

I'm mad at myself for not keeping this updated. It's the only way I can remember what I've done, since my memory sucks.

Anyway, I will try to keep this up better. And if I remember any other updates, then they will be added.

:)

Catch up...Ketchup...Catsup?

Well well well. A lot has happened and it's not entirely necessary to write it in here, but I find it almost therapeutic (spelling?) to get it all out.

Christmas was good. Not much to say about it. It hasn't FELT like Christmas for several years now, perhaps having to do with gramma dying...but I'm not entirely sure. I got a digicam, which I needed and wanted desperately. So that was nice.

Jacob came here for new years! He arrived the 28th and stayed til the 1st of January. I was soo nervous when I went to the airport to meet him. I was shaking and felt nauseus and like I was going to pass out. And then I finally saw him. It was strange at first...to see someone you've only seen pictures of and then being able to see the entirety of them..with a moving face and everything. :) We were both shaky and nervous and after a nice long hug, went to baggage claim...holding hands. :) I think it was a little weird for both of us at first.

We went to San Marco to get coffee and wait to meet mom for lunch at Cafe Carmon. The lunch was full of mom questioning Jake, and I'm sure he was nervous as hell. But overall I think it went very well. Mom liked him; he liked mom (i think). Then after that we went to Hanna Park Beach and sat on a blanket in the cold wind and also put our feet in the freezing water, and we talked too.

That night we went out to dinner at a Sushi place with some of his friends he knows here in town. They had fun talking; I had fun listening and observing. After dinner we went to one of the guy's house to hang out. It was a good first day.

Then saturday there was some drama with my family because I didn't get home til late the previous night, so my dad was upset. But it got semi cleared up and then I went to get Jake from his hotel. There was also a lot of drama with Kelsey, but I won't go into that. Jake and I had a late lunch and talked a bit before we went to dinner at my house with my family. I was nervous that dad would be crazy, but he wasn't. He was pretty congenial and talked the WHOLE night. Then we played Taboo. Mom and dad was one team, then david and daniel, then me and Jacob. It was fun. It's always good to interact with people; you can usually see their true colours that way. That was a pretty good second day.

Sunday was supposed to be OUR DAY to just be together and not have plans with anyone else. We originally planned a picnic and then dinner out that night and then go somewhere for new years eve. But the drama with kelsey made things weird and we ended up going to see her for coffee that afternoon. I didn't like that she was stealing my Jacobtime, but it was better to do it then instead of monday, his last day. :/ So we went to see her at Starbucks in San Marco and hung out at the gazebo. Apparently they both thought of eachother as boring.

After that Jake and I went back to the hotel to get ready for our dinner. We went to Maggianos at the St. Johns Town Center, and it was AMAZING. The place is so nice. There was a live jazz group playing, there were decorations for the new year, the service was amazing, the food was superb, and there was a complimentary chocolate bar in the back banquet hall. We had wine with our food, and had lots of leftovers to take home. It was a little strange for me because I've never had a date like that, nor have I been treated or spoiled that way. It was different, but I liked it. :)

We left and sat on some benches outside. I had mentioned wanting a balloon because there were a ton just floating on the ceiling, but i didn't intend on actually getting one. But Jake went in and got two, one for him and one for me. :) It was very, very sweet. We walked around the mall and talked and such. Then took our doggy bags to the hotel and decided to go downtown to the Landing to watch fireworks.

Even though I've lived here all my life, I've never been downtown during new years. So I naturally didnt' realize how amazingly crowded it would be. Plus there was a game going on that I didn't know about that weekend, so there were a lot of West Virginia people there. It was crazy tring to park and going up there we found out it was 21 up (it usually isn't) and I am only a wee 19 y/o. :(

So we went down the riverwalk and there was literally NO place to sit to watch fireworks. We finally got down to the small gazebo place past Times Union and sat on some steps waiting for the new year. It honestly wasn't the ideal situation because we both get weird in crowds and I was feeling slightly frantic about finding a place to settle down before it was 12:00...we were pushing it and probably got there like 15 til. But it ended up being really fun and the fireworks were great. I almost burnt my boob with my cigarette, but I was okay. ;) It was so good to bring in the new year with someone I love. After midnight we kissed, and it was perfect. :D

After it was over we waited til most of the people cleared out and went to the hotel to talk and such. I ended up sleeping over. I know my parents didn't like it, but it was soo nice to sleep in Jacob's arms. So peaceful. I loved it. A PERFECT third day.

Monday we sort of slept in, and he checked out of the hotel. We went to my house to heat up our leftovers and eat them for lunch. My dad was acting a little weird which I thought was due to me sleeping over, but it was mostly some stress with work shit. We ate and then went to Stockton Park and just laid there in the grass. I was cranky that day, so I'm sure I wasn't the nicest person to be around. Plus I was realizing that he was leaving that night.

We got a call from mom saying how she wanted to hang out with Jake a little bit more before he left, so we went back home and he got to talk with her for maybe an hour and a half. Then we had to leave for the airport. I didn't realize how much traffic there would be, but apparently all the West VA people were going back home, so there was some stress on the way to the airport in addition to when we got there. Jake was a little anxious. While he was checking his bag, I started to get teary eyed, but I held it back. And once he was at the security checkpoint, where we had to say goodbye, I just started bawling into his shirt. I didn't want to say goodbye, I didn't want him to leave, I didn't want to be without him. I made him cry too...we were a sight.

Before he came out, I was so scared that our feelings would change for the worst and that he'd would think I was ugly and stupid and lame and that he'd run away from me. But his coming here only made us realize how very much we love eachother. That we both think of eachother as attractive, intelligent, funny, and amazing. I don't exactly agree that I'm those things, but I'm working on that part. We are in love...and it's the best feeling in the world.

(Jake called and now it's too late to finish this.)

To Be Continued...

I rushed to school this morning for my retake of one of my Statistics tests, was a little late, and took it feeling like I didn't do well. But found out later that I got an 83 on it (the original grade was a 66). The test that I took Monday for Stats I got a 95 on, too. So I went over my average with my Prof. today and if I don't even take the Final (which replaces the lowest test grade), I already have a B in the class. But if I get at least an 81 on the Final, I could get an A in the class. I'm kind of still in shock. I was merely hoping to pass with a C because, let's face it, I was never very bright when it came to math. So I surprised myself. I have a B in math...and could quite possibly make an A. It's weird. I think it's Jake's fault. He wished me luck that one time and was so sure I'd do well, and I made a 97. So it's a trend now. Maybe I'll fail if he doesn't wish me luck on the Final; we should do an experiment to see... Hmm..

Also, I got my copy of The Experience today (FINALLY!). I got the last copy they had. Two of my poems are published in it. I WANT to be proud, but I know the poems aren't that great...so whatever. Mom was proud of me and I had let her read them. But during dinner she announced the math thing to everyone and then the poems thing. And dad was like "lets let mom read them to everyone" and I DO NOT like people reading my stuff out loud. It's something you can read if you deserve it, and then read silently. And when dad heard that I didn't want them to be read, he freaked out at me. He doesn't really understand much...at all. And honestly, I don't want him to read my poems. I didn't even want mom to. It's just weird. My poems are personal and I don't like sharing personal things with my parents, so...there you go. I didn't even like sharing the math thing with them. They made is a HUGE deal (which, yes, it is), but I KNOW it'll just make it harder the next time I do badly in school. I'll fail something or make a C and dad will say "Why not an A or B?". It's all just, blah. But hobblyscotch. I'm focusing too much on stupid stuff.

Anyway, my grandma was here when I came home. She recently lost a lot of her hair. She's been balding for a while now, but for some reason the past 2 weeks she's lost a lot of it. So mom went wig shopping with her today. I felt so bad for her because I imagine how difficult that would be, to lose your hair, as a woman... Anyway, her new wig looked really good and mom was making such a big deal about it and well, we all were..because she really looked good. And I gave her a makeover too. It was so nice to watch her. She was totally happy with her lovely new hair, and she kept playing with it. And then she was admiring herself in the mirror once I was done with her makeup. It was good to see her so happy.

I got out my American Girl Dolls tonight. Since we have a stupid fake christmas tree this year, it's smaller than real ones. So mom wanted me to bring the dolls out to kind of use up the space that the fake tree doesn't fill. I didn't realize how many clothes and accesories I have for these dolls. It brought back nice memories. I had fun playing with their outfits and hair. They're not like barbies, but they are like baby size. Anyway...yeah... It was fun being a little girl again..

It seems my emotions and thoughts are just like Florida weather: unpredictable. The other day, I went to school with misting rain that grew to downpour, two hours later the sun was shining brilliantly and the sky was baby blue, two more hours and I leave the confides of shelter to see that thick fog has creeped into the day. I walked to my car and saw the vast parking lot; the grey smokey fog nearly kissing the like-coloured cement. It was an eerie sort of feeling driving down the highway. On one side of the road was sunshine, and on the other side was fog. I was caught in the middle. Such contrasting conditions, right beside eachother. Will it rain; will it shine? Frigid cold or humid warmth? Unpredictability, however confusing and jumbled it may be at times, seems to simply be the way it is. The way it is. You can live in Florida your whole life and still be surprised by the weather patterns. Who knows what I'll feel or think today...

Heart-Shaped Reflection Nebula

Just weeks after NASA astronauts repaired the Hubble Space Telescope in December 1999, the Hubble Heritage Project snapped this picture of NGC 1999, a reflection nebula in the constellation Orion.

Like fog around a street lamp, a reflection nebula shines only because the light from an embedded source illuminates its dust; the nebula does not emit any visible light of its own. The nebula is famous in astronomical history because the first Herbig-Haro object was discovered immediately adjacent to it (it lies just outside the new Hubble image). Herbig-Haro objects are now known to be jets of gas ejected from very young stars.

The nebula is illuminated by a bright, recently formed star, visible just to the left of center. This star is cataloged as V380 Orionis, and its white color is due to its high surface temperature of about 10,000 degrees Celsius, nearly twice that of our own sun. Its mass is estimated to be 3.5 times that of the sun. The star is so young that it is still surrounded by a cloud of material left over from its formation, here seen as the NGC 1999 reflection nebula.

NGC 1999 shows a remarkable jet-black cloud near its center, located just to the right and lower right of the bright star. This dark cloud is an example of a "Bok globule," named after the late University of Arizona astronomer Bart Bok. The globule is a cold cloud of gas, molecules and cosmic dust, which is so dense it blocks all of the light behind it. The globule is seen silhouetted against the reflection nebula illuminated by V380 Orionis. Astronomers believe that new stars may be forming inside Bok globules, through the contraction of the dust and molecular gas under their own gravity.

Image credit: NASA and The Hubble Heritage Team (STScI)

I want to sleep on a big cotton ball...

The past two days have been CRAZY for me.

MONDAY

I woke up feeling all crappy and sick, like I've been for the past 2 weeks. I had yoga in my first class, which was stressful on my knee but also relaxing. I read my poem in my Creative Writing class, and it went well. Statistics was the dreaded one. I had about 45 minutes prior to study for the test we had. I had felt comfortable with just about everything we had covered, but I was still VERY VERY nervous about the test because even if I feel I know the material, I always get test anxiety (and then usually do badly or worse than desired).

So anyway, I go in to take the test and I'm feeling really good about everything. I remembered all the steps and formulae to use, and there was only one problem I was unsure about. But after asking a question to the Prof, I knew the answer. So I turn it in, feeling crazy and sick as well. I ask if the Prof. will grade it then because I felt I got everything correct. So he said sit down and he would. A few minutes later he whispers my name. I walk up. "Looks like a 98." He smiled. I beamed and said "REALLY?!" and he answered "Yes." I was like "Thats good" and he laughed and said "That's VERY good." I think he was proud of me. I've done horribly the last two tests and fortunately he's letting me retake one. But he's known how hard I've worked, so I think he really was proud. Which makes me happy.

I couldn't believe I made a 98. That's 2 points away from 100, which is perfect. And here I am the recipient of dad's comments about "failures are unacceptable in this family". So - fuck him! He doesn't know yet since he's been gone.. But anyway, the whole way to my car I was beaming and almost started to cry because it's SUCH a huge deal to me. I mean, I'm the girl that hopes for a 70 to simply pass. But I got a 98...a 98!!! It made me feel SO good. I immediately called Jake to let him know. :)


TUESDAY

I woke up exhausted and sickish (AGAIN) because I couldn't sleep at all last night. I woke up earlier than usual because I was suppposed to take Daniel to tutoring, but he ended up faking sick and getting out of it. So I woke up early for nothing. Then I had work at 10am. I felt tired the first couple hours, but got a little energized (from a huge cappucino my boss bought me) as the day went on.

Today was my "call day", where I follow-up on the faxes/letters I sent to golf courses, and then see if they are interested in having my company dive their water hazards to retrieve balls. It's mutually beneficial and all that, so I'm not an annoying solicitor type (just to clarify). So usually "call day" is stressful because I have to talk to people, which isn't SO bad but a lot of people can be extremely rude.

I got a lot of work done (surprising even to myself). And at the end of the day I was getting ready to leave. My boss called and informed me that the payroll thingamajigger messed up this week and he needed to pay me in cash (which means no taxes taken out. woot.), so he asked if I would stay a few minutes late. I, of course, agreed. Well, it was a good thing I did stay late because one of the courses I had faxed called me back, interested in having us dive for them. And seeing as how I get a bonus $25 for each "test dive" I set up, I got some extra money. Yay.

Then I went to class and traffic was much more worse than usual, but I was still in a pretty good mood. Had class and it was alright, but through half of it, I started feeling extremely sick. My head started pounding everywhere, my ears were throbbing, and my jaw was starting to hurt too (weird).

I thought I was going to pass out as I left class. On the way home, I started shaking. It felt as if I was having a drug withdrawl or something. It was really scary because I was afraid I would crash on the interstate.

I got home and no one was there, and I had thought everyone left to go pick David up at the airport without me, and then the dogs were being super loud, and it turns out mom had been in my room and moved a bunch of stuff around when she used the computer and left the door open, which allowed to dogs to come in and eat the crotch out of two of my favourite lounge pants.

So. I started sobbing. I really cried. And there really wasn't a GOOD reason, but I just burst. I think it was all that mixed in with the fact that I've really been missing Jake. I know I can't REALLY miss someone that I haven't BEEN with, but I have missed him anyway. So shut up to any judgers.

Mom gave me TWO of her migraine pills that have narcotics in them, but they never worked at all. So that concerned me a bit. I laid on my bed, crying, while she was busy preparing the house for David...and I just felt sad. I wanted her to take care of me. I'm not usually one to use someone as a slave. For example, when I got my wisdom teeth out and I was in tons of pain, and dizzy and drowsy, and such..I still tried to serve myself (wasn't such a good idea because I almost fell a couple times. ha).

But anyway, I felt like SHIT tonight and I just wanted someone to..not so much pamper me...but just be there and feel my pain and stroke my hair. That's all. I was sad because no one did... Although I must say, my dog came up onto the bed and it was kind of creepy because it truly seemed like he was trying to comfort me. He put one paw on me and just sat there...it was nice. I felt bad for yelling at him earlier about barking so loud. :p

Anyway... David's home and the house is louder due to his presence. But it's nice to have him here. When I saw him at the airport, we hugged and he actually kissed my head. Mom had said to me privately how he was really looking forward to seeing me..which was weird...but made me feel good. He gave me two Ultracet for my head, and it seems to be working just a little bit...unless its simply me writing that's helping.

So I sit here listening to Cat Stevens, and I think it's time to sleep. I've been up for far too long, and I'm super excited to not have classes tomorrow or work this week (I get paid for my usual friday hours this week and don't even have to work since we'll be closed! Another happiness factor) ...I have 5 days of absolute freedom and hopefully some bliss.

Let's rub Buddha's belly so I get better and can try to enjoy Thanksgiving. I know I have a lot to be thankful for...

A dream.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I wanted to record. It's got a lot of blurs, but I'll try.


Jake came to visit me. He walked into my house with a bunch of luggage in his arms, but instead of being excited and hugging eachother, we both stood there awkwardly - partly due to his hands being full, partly due to having first met eachother. He was to stay at my house, which is a bit odd seeing as how he'd never be able to because I still live with my family. He was going to stay in David's room since he's gone to school.

(Time lapses)

All the sudden, I'm in my bedroom, and I've only got on a T-shirt and panties. On my bed is Mike (Kelsey's little sister's boyfriend. Weird, I know). He is laying on my bed naked, playing with himself. When he sees me, he pulls me to him and says many crude things to me (I can't remember exactly what he said). Then he tries to pull me on top of him and wants me to basically have sex with him. I resist. He keeps trying and he's forcing my head down to his crotch at this point. I start yelling.

Meanwhile, during all of this, my family is in the other room talking and Jake is in there talking with them. After I started screaming, I see him come in the room. He grabs Mike and lifts him off the floor and pins him to the wall. Then he takes him outside where supposedly he kicked his ass (I never saw it, but it was understood).

My family seems to disappear, and I'm the only one in the house now. I stay in my room, which is now empty except for a chair in the corner. I lay down on a blanket that's on the wooden floor and curl up in a ball. Jake comes in and asks if I'm okay. I don't respond. He sits in the chair. And slowly keeps scooting the chair up to me. I am very afraid, even of him. When he gets right next to me, he slides out of the chair and lays beside me, putting his hand on my waist.

Once he touches me, I calm down. And we just lay there.