A dream.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I wanted to record. It's got a lot of blurs, but I'll try.


Jake came to visit me. He walked into my house with a bunch of luggage in his arms, but instead of being excited and hugging eachother, we both stood there awkwardly - partly due to his hands being full, partly due to having first met eachother. He was to stay at my house, which is a bit odd seeing as how he'd never be able to because I still live with my family. He was going to stay in David's room since he's gone to school.

(Time lapses)

All the sudden, I'm in my bedroom, and I've only got on a T-shirt and panties. On my bed is Mike (Kelsey's little sister's boyfriend. Weird, I know). He is laying on my bed naked, playing with himself. When he sees me, he pulls me to him and says many crude things to me (I can't remember exactly what he said). Then he tries to pull me on top of him and wants me to basically have sex with him. I resist. He keeps trying and he's forcing my head down to his crotch at this point. I start yelling.

Meanwhile, during all of this, my family is in the other room talking and Jake is in there talking with them. After I started screaming, I see him come in the room. He grabs Mike and lifts him off the floor and pins him to the wall. Then he takes him outside where supposedly he kicked his ass (I never saw it, but it was understood).

My family seems to disappear, and I'm the only one in the house now. I stay in my room, which is now empty except for a chair in the corner. I lay down on a blanket that's on the wooden floor and curl up in a ball. Jake comes in and asks if I'm okay. I don't respond. He sits in the chair. And slowly keeps scooting the chair up to me. I am very afraid, even of him. When he gets right next to me, he slides out of the chair and lays beside me, putting his hand on my waist.

Once he touches me, I calm down. And we just lay there.

Babies and such

I have two nephews now. One is really my half nephew, born in August. And the other isn't blood but he counts anyway, and he was born on Saturday. AND, Naomi is pregnant too...so I'll be having another little baby around in the next 6 or so months.

All this baby stuff makes me all melancholy. I really want a baby of my own, or so I think. It scares the hell out of me, and I KNOW I could not have one right now. But I think I would actually like being a mommy. If I found the right guy...maybe I could have a family. I don't know. I thought I was set on not marrying and all that, but who knows. I mean, I'm pretty sure I want to finish college and start a career before all that. Maybe it's simply because I'm a woman and have those feelings spurt out because of different circumstances. Psh. Whatever.

I just love babies. I love the idea of having a family and a husband. I think I would be a good wife. Maybe too good. I give too much of myself a lot of the time, which is why sometimes I hold back. When I give too much to someone undeserving, I end up being used. That's why I couldn't marry a man that wouldn't give back to me...otherwise I'd end up being what I don't want to be, I'd end up hurt, and I wouldn't be happy. I guess a big problem is finding that right guy. The majority of guys I've dated or simply known just dont fit the bill.

Anyway, ramble ramble. I'm tired.

Catching up.

Well, I've been avoiding updating this thing because so much has happened. I don't know where to start. But I'll try...

The thing with Nathan ended, then we got back together (stupid on my part) and then we broke up again. He ended up telling me that he's bisexual. I think he wanted me to be turned on by it, when in reality I was just shocked. Especially because we had slept together and he should have told me. At least that's what I think. But he says he's clean. And I was tested for STDs when I had my pap smear last month, so I'm good. He just pisses me off. I am almost positive he is bipolar. One minute he can be adorable and sweet and actually nice to me, but then the next minute he can become snappy, horribly mean, and just a complete asshole. I should know better, but I still talk to him. We're "just friends" for now, whatever that means. I'm sure he wants to be friends with benefits, but I just can't do that. Although in all honesty, I wouldn't surprise myself if I let it become that. He was the only guy I enjoyed sex with. It's pathetic though, no guy has ever made me orgasm. They would ask if a "came" and I'd lie. Why would I lie? I guess I couldn't say no and make them feel bad. Anyway, I don't know what to do about Nathan. We still talk, and he's always referring to his dick...asking me if I miss it. What the hell? I mean, I'm not a vain person and base my opinions of guys only on their cock size. (What's funny is that he just called. How ironic.) Anyway, enough about Nathan and such.

It's kind of sad because my only friends have been guys, but the majority of them have been interested in me. And if I have no other friends besides them, it makes for a boring life. I have no girl friends because they're all out of state or stopped talking to me for whatever reason. And I don't mind having guys for friends; it's nice to get away from the girly girl shit. But I miss being able to confide in someone and do some of the girl things that I like. Plus, I'm horrible at letting a guy down. So all these guys that want to date me, I just go out with. And I try to be honest and let them know that I don't want "more" but most of them don't get it. As of now I've stopped talking to most of them. There's one guy that's super "hott" and is really kinky and I have no idea how to handle him. He wants to be my sex slave and since i'm relatively traditional in that sense, it's hard to talk or be with him. We went out a couple weeks ago and he started making out with me. I was a little shocked. For a cute kinky guy, he sucks at kissing. Seriously. So I'm avoiding him, although slightly flattered he "wants" me. Ha. And then there's the onslaught of myspace men that think i'm beautiful, sexy, or want to fuck me. Delete, delete, delete. There's also Nick. We're friends, but for some reason ever since we've known eachother, we have random sex. At first I thought he wanted me as his girlfriend, but it's been established that neither of us want that. So we're basically friends with benefits. I don't really like it because I'm tired of that and want more. But for now...I dont know. At first I really respected him because he would use a condom, but the last couple times he hasn't. And I STUPIDLY let him. And despite being on birth control, I KNOW I need to make guys use a condom....so what's my problem? Why do I let them not? I don't know... Bah. I swear I'm gonna get pregnant. I just set myself up for it. Goddamn me.

Anyway, I've been sick this past weekend and I think I'm getting better. So I'll cross my fingers and hope that I do.

Anyway, I'm amazed at the length of this. It's growing so long, like that worm game where you eat the apples and the more you eat the longer the worm gets and eventually - it runs into the wall or its own body and dies. Soon this will run into itself and die. Otherwise this will be an entirely too long of a post to read. Which doesn't really matter because only 2 people read this besides myself. (Explains my shocking honesty now, doesn't it?)

Another note: My mother filed for disability several years ago, went to court, etc etc, and she recently found that she's aprooved. So she gets some money for herself and also my little brother. And apparently since she filed for it while I was still a minor, I have some "backed up" money that is for me. And now that I'm an adult, I can apply to receive it. It's quite exciting because it's about $4000. That's a huge number for me.

Tonight dad sat me down and told me how I was to only save it and use it for school. I find it funny that he wants to control something that is entirely mine and mine to do with. He said that he plans on supporting me/helping me financially in school, but that if I don't get my scholarship back and/or get good grades then he won't help me at all. He said that I need to take school serisouly just like my older brother (although he said i don't have to be excellent and make 4.0s like him. Gee thanks dad). Another comparison to my brother. Wonderful. Dad made a big deal about me partying, which is total bullshit. I informed him of the fact that I only go out maybe once a week. But I suppose it worries him because when I do go out it's usually late when I come home, and apparently its worse because I'm with guys. Blah. Whatever. I spent the night at Nick's last week because I was at his house late and didn't want to come home for the following reasons: too late, didn't want to BE home, and also the flooring guys would be there EARLY and making noise so i wanted to be able to actually sleep for once. Plus I like being with Nick. Even if we are "friends with occasional benefits"...it's nice to sleep in his bed with him. He'll hold me, and even if we're not together (and I dont necessarily want to be) it's really nice to be held and next to someone. Anyway, back to dad. He also let me know that he loves me and thats why he talks to me. He said how I should be careful with guys because they all want a piece of ass pretty much until they're 30. I asked if that meant i should not even date? He didn't really know what he was talking about, but I think his point was for me to not have sex. Mom probably told him that I had a (minor) urinary tract infection. I shouldn't even have told her; I know I can't trust her. And really, many things can cause that. But to her it means that I've been doing sexual activities with guys that don't wash their hands. Heh. So...she most likely told dad..hence the CONVERSATION. Yeah, whatever. They should know by now that i dont listen to them at all when it comes to anything personal in my life. No..that's not entirely true...I listen. But since they've lost my trust and respect, it's a little hard to take them seriously when it comes to most things. And..I don't know why but they both seem certain that I'm sexually active. I don't know why. I lied and told them I wasn't. I guess it's "parental intuition". I wish they'd just drop it. It's none of their goddamn business. And if they KNOW it to be true then they would also know that I'm lying to them about it, which would indicate that I DO NOT want them to know, nor do I like talking about it with them. It's all very dumb and frustrating. And concerning sex...I'm thinking of just cutting it off from myself. I don't enjoy it. So why do I do it? I'm becoming a slut for no good reason on my part. I try to psychoanalyze myself and think its due to my wanting to be accepted by a man that goes back to being abused and having a shitty dad, etc etc. But I don't really know. I'm sure there's deep stuff that explains most of what I do. But tonight at least, I don't care to delve into it.

I read all my previous posts and mentally slapped myself because I always seem to complain, and for a while I told myself not to. But in all honesty, I don't really care. I know most people don't like to listen to complainers, and it's a bad habit. But this is my blog. Practically no one reads it, so...to quote the great Kartman "WHATEVA, I'LL DO WHAT I WANT!" :)

Okay the worm has officially run into itself.

I went over to his house today. I told him last night that I'd be coming over. Then this morning he messaged me saying to not bother. But I came anyway. I brought him his things, he gave me back mine. I was finishing a ciggarette when he walked out. My hands were shaking as I brought the stick to my mouth. I flicked it away when I was done. I asked him to explain himself. He said he's moving. I asked why he didn't tell me. He said he didn't know how. He's moving next week. I asked where he'd stay. He said does it really matter? I started to cry. He came to me and hugged me. I put my arms around his neck and buried my face in his shoulder. My tears were pouring. My whole body was shaking. I'm sure he felt it against his body. I finally pulled away and wiped the tears from my face. My nose was running. He asked if there was something I wanted to talk about. I said should there be? He said no. After a few moments, I said that I guess that's it. He explained how he probably wouldn't be in Virginia for a long time. I didn't see the point to saying that. As if to console me. As if to let me know he was coming back...coming back for me? I don't know. I said ok. He said he'd talk to me later. I didn't think it mattered. It was over. Why would we need to talk? He walked away, carrying his things. I got in my car and watched him until he disappeared into his appartment. And then I sat there. I sobbed in my car. My body shaked in convulsions with each sob. I decided to drive home. The tears kept coming. I put on my sunglasses. And the tears caught in the rims. I blared my music. I got caught in traffic. I finally stopped crying. I kept a straight face. I ignored the thoughts that I was once again unwanted, unloved. I ignored it all. I almost smiled though when I thought of the good times I had with him. It was sad. I didn't want to let go. But I got home. I grabbed my things. I grabbed the paper flower he had made from a napkin that I had kept on my dashboard. It no longer deserved a spot in the path of my constant vision. He had said I could keep his sweatshirt. I think he felt bad. Especially since I was crying. I have a paper flower and a sweatshirt to remember him by. As if I'd ever forget... My eyes want to cry even as I write this. But what can I do? I can't be with him. Not until he grows up. Not until he changes for the better. But I won't hold onto the hope that he will. I don't really know what I'll do. Except miss him. Even despite how he treated me...

What I Want in a Man.

I want a man.
I don’t want a boy or a guy.
I want a man.
I want a man that will love me unconditionally.
I want him to respect me even when I act like a bitch.
I want him to be kind to me no matter what.
I want him to BE A MAN, which includes: taking initiative, leading, being a traditional gentleman, protecting me, and providing for me.
I want a man who will make me laugh and fill me with joy.
I want him to be romantic.
I want him to never want to let me go.
I want a man who will care about my wellbeing and health.
I want him to take charge.
I want a man that will love me unconditionally.
I want him to be totally honest.
I want a man that pampers me just the right amount.
I want a man that won’t take bullshit from me.
I want someone who will do what he says he will do.
I want a man that will love me unconditionally.
I want him to understand me.
I want him to take care of me no matter what.
I want him to be strong.
I want him to include me.
I want him to take care of himself.
I want a man that will love me unconditionally.
I want him to know how to communicate, and do so.
I want him to be creative and intelligent.
I want him to have good work ethic and to be responsible with money.
I want him to be himself and not compromise that.
I want him to be confident.
I want a man that knows how to please me and does so willingly.
I want him to be humble.
I want a man that will love me unconditionally.
I want him to care for others.
I want a man who treats his parents with respect, even if they don’t necessarily deserve it.
I want him to love children and want them.
I want a man that is affectionate.
I want a man that can be sensitive and not afraid to “look weak”.
I want him to tell me like it is.
I want someone who is polite.
I want a man that will love me unconditionally.
I want him to be able to deal with my family.
I want someone who doesn’t care about my past and loves me despite it.
I want him to remember the important dates.
I want a man who doesn’t care about looks and doesn’t have to have sex.
I want a man who would be willing to wait for me, whatever that may mean.
I want someone who’d be willing to both die for me and live for me.
I want a man that will love me unconditionally.
I want a man.
I don’t want a boy or a guy.
I want a man.

Quotes...

You are now in control of your life. You see, the ego is never in control. The ego is controlled by wishes for comfort and convenience on the part of the body, by demands of the mind, and by outbursts of the emotions. But the higher nature controls the body and the mind and the emotions. I can say to my body, "Lie down there on that cement floor and go to sleep," and it obeys. I can say to my mind, "Shut out everything else and concentrate on this job before you," and it's obedient. I can say to my emotions, "Be still, even in the face of this terrible situation," and they are still. It's a different way of living. The philosopher Thoreau wrote: If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps he hears a different drummer. And now you are following a different drummer--the higher nature instead of the lower. - Peace Pilgrim

To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom. - Bertrand Russell

What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything? - Vincent van Gogh

Everything you can imagine is real. - Pablo Picasso

There are moments when one feels free from one's own identification with human limitations and inadequacies. At such moments one imagines that one stands on some spot of a small planet, gazing in amazement at the cold yet profoundly moving beauty of the eternal, the unfathomable; life and death flow into one, and there is neither evolution nor destiny; only Being. - Albert Einstein

They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel. - Carl W. Buechner

If you do something good, enjoy it, repeat it, and allow it to become a way of life. (Bad Conduct, v118)

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all. - Oscar Wilde

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough. - Frank Crane

Why do writers write? Because it isn't there. - Thomas Berger

Tonight.

I'm feeling very depressed tonight.

I try to be happy and smile, but it feels like just an act.

My head has been aching for 2 hours, and my knee is hurting.

How come nobody calls me up to see how I'm doing? How come nobody randomly tells me something nice? How come nobody seems to see how badly I feel?

I don't like being a compliment-fisher, or attention-seeker. But sometimes I feel like no one notices me. And I wish they did.

I feed off of other people's energy, and when I don't get that I start falling down. I don't like being a dependant, but that's simply how I am. I need people to stay up.

My boyfriend treats me like I'm least important in his life, he hardly initiates any affection anymore, and he's half the time moody and mean and the other half the time he's sweet and funny.

My mother sat me down tonight to show me how much they've paid for me and my things and to tell me what I owe them, as well as what they expect of me since they pay for so much.

I realized just how much things change. People move on and leave you behind. People act fake so much. And all I want is someone REAL. I want someone to be real with me and to love me. I want to find stable ground where I am happy. I want to be rid of depression and hopelessness. I want to freely be me and to be loved as I am.

I try to make these things happen for me, as if I have the control to make it so. But I think that's impossible. I think that no matter what there is always sadness, heartache, and bad things. And I can try and move on despite those things, but they're always there.

Perhaps I'll never get what I want.

Perhaps I'll never be loved in the truest form.

Perhaps I'll always find myself coming to the point of despair.

I'm grumpy and hurting

I couldn't sleep last night; I was hot and my back was hurting again. I must have fallen asleep at some point, however, because when I woke up I was in complete pain. I've had some back pain for about a week now, and I started my monthly cycle last night which adds lower back aches and stomach cramps to the equation, as well as my knee hurting and having a headache. It is no good.

I had to get up around 10am to go to the restroom, with the intent on going back to bed afterwards. But Daniel needed a ride to church, so i grab my keys and sleepily drive him there. Apparently mom couldn't take him because after she showered this morning, she got an extreme shoot of pain up her spine and she fell down, immobile. By the time I was up, she had managed to get into her bed to just lay there. My dad was asleep on the couch and my other brother was asleep in his bedroom.

I take Daniel to church in my pjs and barefoot, on the way home mom calls me to say how she needs me to help her today. I had plans with g-ma today to do her laundry and bake some bread with her, but seeing as how mom needed me and I had my own pain to deal with...it couldn't happen.

So now it's near 1pm, and it turns out it doesn't really matter if I'M in pain. Dad stays on the couch wanting coffee and food and whatnot. I don't mind helping mom and stuff, but I'm in more pain than they realize. I've cried several times due to my hurting. And I have things to do. I need to go shopping for Nathan's birthday gift and blah blah. I just want to lay down and rest.

Broke with bad grades and a boyfriend.

Well, a lot has happened this week.

I got my second test grade back from Astronomy...the one that I wasn't prepared for because I didn't know it was that day. I got a 48...out of 100. I was shocked. I knew I didn't do too well, but a 48!? My first test grade was a 91! Gah. So I ashamedly walked up to my Prof last class and asked about extra credit. He said "Yeah, I was surprised by how you did on this test. I thought it was a completely different person that took it because of how well you're doing otherwise..." But he said he would figure out some extra credit, so that makes me quite relieved. It's go time at this point concerning my GPA, so I need to do well on this class and on the ones I'm taking in the fall. I need at least a 3.0 to transfer into FSU, and I've got like a 2.85 or something. :/ Anyway, I'm also excited because I recommended to my Prof a camping trip to the National Forest where we have star gazing..make it like an optional field trip thing. He really liked it, so I hope we get it planned. I've really been wanting to go camping. :)

I got my car fixed, but it cost about $1600! My dad's income is based on commision and he hasn't sold many machines this month and his truck just needed $700 repairs. Originally he was going to cover half of my car repairs (which we thought was only going to be $1000), but he can only do $500. So I have to pay $1100 of it, which is practically most of my savings. I'll have a few hundred not used after paying for the repairs. It's really depressing because it's taken me a while to save up this money (which is meant for traveling and school). But it's strange because I SHOULD feel a lot more depressed about losing all that money, but I'm not. I wish I didn't have to get rid of it, but I've pretty much accepted it as a fact of life...things need to be paid for...and we just have to deal with it.

AND...

I have a boyfriend! Yes...it happened over this week. His name is Nathan and he's wonderful. He makes me laugh, I'm always smiling around him, he treats me all special, and he's so handsome. I feel so lucky. The past guys I've dated were all guys that weren't anything special, but with Nathan I actually feel like I don't deserve him. He seems like the kind of guy that would never want to date me (because he's so cute and i'm just regular)...but he really wants me. I keep finding myself asking him if he's sure he wants me as his girlfriend...but each time he says "Yes" and that he won't change his mind. I don't know...this is weird because it's unlike any of my previous relationships. All I know is that I'm happy with him, although a part of me is just waiting for the moment when he changes his mind. It's so hard to trust without doubts...

According to Galileo...

"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them."

quote

Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.
- Mahatma Gandhi

burning tears

So my half brother got his girlfriend, Christine, pregnant a while back. And now they're not together. Well, she had contacted me letting me know that if I wanted to stay in contact with the baby (my nephew) then that'd be fine with her. Well, we kept talking and I asked her to lunch, which we went to on Saturday. Well, my dad has been up the wall about this pregnancy because my half brother, Michael, is totally irresponsible and not ready for a kid.

Well, I want to stay in contact with Christine so that I can know the baby. It's a little weird since Michael and I have some strange history. But still, I don't know why, but I want to keep up with the baby. It's part of our blood...even if Michael has nothing to do with it (which is likely).

But today I got an email from Christine saying how Michael found out about us going to lunch and blah blah...a bunch of mean things that Michael said and how he wants nothing to do with us anymore. Well, I go and ask dad if he had told Michael about me going to lunch. And Dad gets extremely defensive thinking I was accusing him of things. He starts yelling at me saying how I shouldn't have anything to do with Christine because she's a lying, manipulative, irresponsible girl. He said how I shouldn't make her my "compassion project" and that I shouldn't get mixed up in the drama between her and Michael. He said how he doesn't even like Michael because of the things he has done and wants nothing to do with him (michael is dad's son).

I tell dad to stop talking once he's said all these things because I don't want to hear it. He keeps yelling about how he's so stressed about work and family and other shit and that he "doesn't need this"...I try to leave the kitchen and he won't let me becaues he's blocking the entrance. So I walk outside to the picnic table to calm myself. He says as I'm walking out how he'll go in my room right now and pull the computer plug (he makes such a big deal about how I am making all these bad decisions through online communication and such). I go outside, enraged. I literally wanted to grab the big kitchen knife, hold it up to him, and threaten to kill him unless he stopped yelling at me.

But I just go sit outside. When I come back in, i go straight to my room (dad is now yelling at mom)...a few minutes later, they come and want to talk to me. so I go out. Dad pretty much keeps saying the same things. How Christine is so bad because of blah blah...when really, he gets all his information about her from Michael! I told dad its wrong to assume things about people without really knowing the truth. He ignored me. He then starts yelling some more about how its all fucked up...then he says I shouldn't be talking to Christine to get back at Michael. (history with Michael is that he sexually abused me and never apologized and pretty much got away with it because his mom brushed it all off). So here dad is, saying how I'm only talking to Christine to get back at Michael for that. And i turn to look at dad and say through my teeth how I am NOT doing that. And i get up and leave the room. I hear mom say to dad how cruel that was.

And i simply go in my room, start sobbing....then, while still crying, get the boxes from the hallway and start packing my things.

Both mom and dad always say that they don't "make" me do anything. But I only feel this full of anger and hatred when they provoke me. While dad was yelling I thought of that bible verse about "fathers don't provoke your children to wrath"...and I just hated dad. He's so disappointed about how I've gone against my "good christian girl" ways..but here he's such a hypocrit! I try SO hard not to hate him...but...I'm there. I have such strong rage against him (and my mom) for the things that they do and say. I CAN'T live here. I know I already said that...but my destruction will come if I don't get out of here.

My car being in the shop til tuesday, I don't know what to do. The repairs for it will be around $1000, and I have about $1500 in savings. I'm just...at a loss. I feel so defeated already. I'm not even sure if I have a place to live...But I will live out of my fucking car if I have to because I am pushed to the very limit. I don't want to feel suicidal, and I always do after my parents get in my face about shit. I don't want to feel anger and hurt and sad and stuck...but I DO here. So I HAVE to get out. I HAVE TO.

And if I end up having to quit school because I can't afford it...then I guess so be it. If I have to work my ass off to save more money just to LIVE, then so be it. If I have to cut off all attachments to mom and dad, then so be it. I have to do what is best for me...even if the process hurts and is hard as fuck... I need to be able to live.

I miss my artistic days...

Negative and positive space project. First focus on the black and the shape it gives, then reverse your focus on the white. Is it some black object stretching outward? Are they leaves? Or is it the shape of a heart in two pieces being stabbed?

Only black paint on white poster board. Supposed to be simple and harsh.




A project where I had to pick a piece of music, then create something that depicted the music using all the artistic methods I learned about: colour, texture, line, etc.

I used black silk material for the backing, painted with blue-green-purple colours for the swirls and then cut them out and glued them seperately onto the silk. I used blue, green, and white beads and various sized mirrors as well.

Silk = smooth, dark mood of the music
Swirls = mellifluous, flowing rhythm
Beads and mirrors = droplets of tinkling piano keys







A quick sketch of my self portrait in pencil. (I'm no good at faces. It looks nothing like me.)













A "line" project. Lower left of paper is geometric shapes, i.e. rectangles, triangles, straight lines... The upper right of paper shows the opposite: curves and swirls and smooth lines. A kind of night/day of lines.

I used pencil, black pen ink, and a small and large sharpie on poster board.

Somewhere...over the rainbow...

So I got in my car to go to Astronomy class and my car starts squeeling and then smoking... I'm tired of shitty cars. Fortunately, I could use my mom's van to go to class. I was late and ran into a classmate that was leaving since she was sick; she asks if I'm ready for the test. "That's tonight?" I ask...Yes, yes it was. I wasn't prepared; I thought it was next Monday. I got test anxiety and started shaking while I took it and feeling sick to my stomach. I most like bombed it, but oh well. I got thru it.

After the Lab that I had finished before everyone else, I went up to the Prof and said how I wanted to be an astronomer. He said he wasn't surprised, that he had a sort of 6th sense about it and that I seem perfect for astronomy. "Really?" I said. He replied "Yes, I can tell from how you interact in class, the questions you ask. You'd be a good astronomer." That made my day. Even if I don't go into that field, I considered it a compliment.

Now, as for my car, dad said it was the belt. Whatever that means. All I know is that I'm now dependant on my parents for rides/their cars, which is no good. I'll have to ride with my dad tomorrow to get to work, and don't know how I'll get home...

And about moving out... I plan to sort through and pack some things up first (maybe have a garage sale to get some earnings from my junk), talk to my grandma, and get my mom to buy me some clothes (don't know if she would after I move out, so I'm pretty much taking advantage of her and her money, but I'll be dirt poor once I'm out of here...so all in all, I think it's a smart move on my part)...and then I'll tell my parents that I'm moving out. This will most likely happen within this next week.

My first aquarium visit yielded Wonder.

"At the Aquarium"

by Max Eastman

Serene the silver fishes glide,

Stern-lipped, and pale, and wonder-eyed!

As through the aged deeps of ocean,

They glide with wan and wavy motion.

They have no pathway where they go,

They flow like water to and fro,

They watch with never-winking eyes,

They watch with staring, cold surprise,

The level people in the air,

The people peering, peering there:

Who wander also to and fro,

And know not why or where they go,

Yet have a wonder in their eyes,

Sometimes a pale and cold surprise.

Yay.

Well, I must say...I've never been so happy to get my period.

I got a funny visualization of my egg using a dual action machine gun to shoot down all the sperm soldiers coming to attack it. She kills the last one, wipes the sweat off her brow and says under her breath, "Safe...for now."

Haha...

"Almond Blossom" by Vincent van Gogh

If one is master of one thing and understands one thing well, one has at the same time, insight into and understanding of many things.

- Vincent van Gogh

What next?

So, my timeline is a little off because...well...I'M a little off. But this week has been one of the worst. I know I talked of starting over and everything, but things here at home have reached an all-time low. I'm sure I'm missing bits and pieces of information because my brain isn't quite functioning properly, but Monday night I was online and in the middle of a whole bunch of things. All of the sudden, I lose connection because of McAfee security system. Mom had, over the weekend while I was out of town, installed it on my computer (along with virus protection). She had let me know over a voicemail message AFTER she had installed it all. Even though I told her not to go in my room, and not to go on my computer.

When this happened, I got completely pissed. It was right about 1:00am. I went into her room and even though the lights were off and she was in bed, I said "Mom" loudly...she didn't respond. I knew she must have been ignoring me because she's a very light sleeper. So I turn on the bathroom light and THEN she "wakes up" and gets mad. I don't remember exactly what I said, but pretty much ask her why there's a security thing and demand for the password (since only the administrator can access it, and SHE'S the administrator). She acts all innocent and says "not tonight...tomorrow...and besides it's only set to not go online until 5am anyway..you don't need to be going online this late..." And really, THIS IS MY LIFE, YES? SHE DOESN'T CONTROL IT. THIS IS BEYOND OVERSTEPPING THE BOUNDARIES. So I DEMAND for the password again and she YELLS "NO!"

So I leave the room and as I'm storming out, all I want to do is throw things and break things and just BE VIOLENT. But no. I don't. I go to my room and SOB. After trying to hack my way into the computer different ways and not being successful, I sob some more. At that point, I have a growing hatred for my mom. I always told myself that I would never EVER hate anyone...and I still tell myself that I don't. But she is so close...all she would need to do is hit me or something.

So anyway, I'm so full of anger and distrust (and this is along with other things that happened with a friend)...so I walk into the kitchen where the medicine cabinet is...mom had cleared it out for tuperware. So i go into the bathroom searching for meds and find david's and my prescriptions along with some tylenol and whatnot. I took some of everything. I was crying while I did it, too. I SO wanted to die. I took my razor too and slit my wrist several times (I've done that before, so it wasn't a big deal...I wasn't trying to use that to kill myself...just for the pain part of it)

And I get tingles now even thinking about it, because the whole thing didn't work. It never works. I'm destined to live for some fucking reason. And yeah, I could go grab a knife and stab my heart but I'm just not that brave. So here I am stuck. Fucking stuck. Can't kill myself.

And what's worse is that the next day I was all sick feeling. I stayed in bed all day (the 4th of July) which I didn't really mind...I didn't want to be with the family anyway. And last night when I went to bed, I felt REALLY weird. I laid down and closed my eyes and my head would just pound and throb, and then when I opened my eyes it was like a jolt. Then if I closed my eyes again, my head would start throbbing again..and if felt like the room was closing in on me and that someone was creeping up on me. It was really strange. I couldn't sleep because I had to keep opening my eyes and keep moving so that my head would stop pounding.

THEN, this morning I had my first day of work at 9:00. I woke up feeling kind of queesy, but I tried to shake it off and ate a piece of toast and then went to work. Well, I got there and only after 30 minutes I started feeling really nauseous and I got really sweaty. My boss even noticed that I started dripping huge drops of sweat. So I couldn't even finish my work day. I had to call mom to come pick me up. When i got home I went straight to bed and slept for 6 hours...I missed my counseling appointment which will cost $50 and missed the first hour of my class...but I went late anyway because I didn't want it to affect my grade.

*sigh* I feel so stressed just writing about all this shit. I need to call my grandpa and ask if I can move in to his florida house...I hope he says yes. I need to pack up all my stuff. And even if I can't find someone to live with...I can just ask different relatives if I can stay a week or two with them...I have enough of those people to last a month or two. And then I can maybe live out of my car if I need to. But I CANNOT live here anymore. There's no way.

What's more: mom thinks because I've been nauseous that I might be pregnant. She has no idea that it's because I tried to kill myself. Watch life throw me a curve ball and I AM pregnant...Wouldn't that be great....A homeless, suicidal, pregnant girl.

I got the job.

[my name],
Thanks so much for emailing the hours to me. That is exactly the kind of initiative I am looking for. I am pleased to let you know that the job is yours.
I am excited about you being a part of our company and look forward to working with you.
........
Again, I'd like to welcome you and congratulations.
I am confident that you will be an invaluable asset to our company.
Thanks
Maritza [last name]

Well, of course, I can't work monday because I'm gonna be out of town...but I start work this week! :)

I'm excited.

The job interview went really well. It's between me and another girl my age for the job, but Maritza (the woman who interviewed me and my possible boss) pretty much said that I am the better candidate. So I will know by Monday if I got the job. It's great because it'll give me experience, it's $10/hour, flexible schedule, and I can get bonuses ($25 cash for each bonus).

I just need to find a place to live now and also settle the when and where of my Fall classes.

This weekend looks to be fun. Tomorrow I go swimming with the girls, then go to the beach for my star gazing thru telescopes, then Mary and I go to a club/bar for a concert and other fun things til 2am, THEN drive up to Kingsland. After that I'm driving to Valdosta to hang with the other girls of mine for a few days, then coming home for July 4th. It should be a lot of fun...